Tuesday 13 May 2008

Moo loud

"What's different, children?" asks Sasha, who, having run out of underlings to crush, proposals to reject and objectives to fulfil, is re-energising her batteries by sucking the lifeforce out of the rest of us in assembly.

The children look baffled, as well they might, and stare around them in the vain hope, shared, I suspect, by the other teachers, that somewhere around them is a great big speech bubble proclaiming, "Look at me! I'm different!"

No such luck.

"Little boy at the front," says Sasha, gesturing vaguely at the half dozen or so children who amply fulfil the description. Now they look at each other. Then one, braver than the others
, speaks up.

"That mole on your face is a bit bigger," he says, pointing.

There's a sharp intake of breath.

"I'll ignore that," says Sasha. "No. It's something outside."

Perhaps she's persuaded God to turn up to do the prayer at the end.

"It's the sun, sillies," says Sasha, with a smile that seems to include all of us, as well as the pupils. "And do you know what I think? I think it's because all you children have been behaving so well that you've made the weather pleased with you."

I can't help wondering how, on this basis, she'd rate the 10-year drought in parts of Australia. Logically speaking, you'd be praying for Satan and all his hosts of cloven-hoofed friends and relations to drop in for a long visit.

"But it's not always like that, is it, children?" she says. "Last week, there was lots and lots of rain, and I think the teachers must have been very unhappy indeed. So what I've done to make sure your behaviour is wonderful every day is to turn every day into a special day."

She calls up five children and presents each of them with a coloured chart.

"There's Manners Monday, Tidy Tuesday, Well-behaved Wednesday, Thoughtful Thursday and Fab Friday. Now, as it's Tuesday, that means that today we're all going to try our hardest to put everything away whenever we've finished with it."

It's unfortunate that at this moment, her eye alights on the piano, which I tend to treat as a useful alternative desk. Right now, the top houses a miscellany of objects, including three tambourines, a small ball, a cuddly toy, my handbag, cycling helmet and some 'I ate a good lunch' stickers that have been there for months and show every sign of having settled in for life.

"I'm sure teachers will be wanting to sign up to Tidy Tuesday, won't they, Mrs Philistine?"

I dip my head, as if in thoughtful agreement.

The next day, Sasha happens to come in as I'm taking reception through the song I've just written for their summer play, which is themed to farmyard animals.

"'Moo loud, if you're proud, to be a cow,'" is the opening line, repeated fortissimo three times.

"Is that one of yours?" asks Sasha.

"It is," I say. "Bizarrely, it came to me in a flash just as I'd finished clearing up the piano. Tidiness clearly can be inspirational," I beam at her.

She gives me a long, long look and disappears.

31 comments:

softinthehead said...

Glad to have you back, I see you haven't lost your touch :)

Iota said...

She's teaching them that the weather depends on their behaviour? And you're not allowed to teach creationism in the classroom these days. [Shurely shome mishtake, Ed]

What rhyme did you use for 'oink'?

Iota said...

Oh, silly me, wasn't paying enough attention. I think the pig bit goes

"oink loud, if you're proud, to be a pig"

Am I right?

Mya said...

Well....it's Wednesday today, so I hope you are behaving yourself! I'm sorry Sascha is still haunting you...but very pleased to see you back!

Mya x

I Beatrice said...

As songs about cows go I think that's a simply sensational first line! Just the thing to jolly up someone's morning, and I hardly see how Tim Rice could have improved upon it!

Have the lyric - now, how about the music? Does Google do muscial notation I wonder?

Very good to see you back.

Frog in the Field said...

Ha HA!!
Brilliant to see you back and in fine form too!

Waffle said...

Ooh Omega Mum, so so good to have you back. I rather wondered if Sasha hadn't caught you blogging and put you in the hard and prickly corner.

[Slight non-sequitur coming, My youngest told me yesterday that when he was put in the naughty corner (at school, we're all about the ineffectual, no consequences school of parenting chez Jaywalker) he used the time "to think about why he hit Edouard over the head". I asked him what he had concluded and he said "Edouard est vilain". Oh yes. Entirely without a moral compass. Let Sasha do her worst!]

Um, how to you manage to control yourself during these clunky morality-fests? I think I might weep, self-immolate, feign death or possibly show my pants.

Expat mum said...

Tee hee. But I do like the themes for each day of the week. Will print off and post on fridge door forthwith.

Cath said...

I so wish I could be the fly on the wall. Or that I could come up with the one liners you do.
Classic. Absolutely perfect. Well done.

Nora said...

I didn't realize that your name is Philistine and that this means barbarian or vulgarian. Have you had this name for a long time or is it the first time it shows up in this blog? Is there anything else hiden that we should know about you, like your middle name for instance. Could it be Medusa?

Anonymous said...

I'm laughing, though I'm sure I shouldn't.

Motheratlarge said...

Oh no, I'd hoped Sasha might be gone from your life by now. How clever of you to parry with a song about farmyard animals. So little she can say, really. I take my hat off to you, Omega Mum.

Gone Back South said...

Bit of a risky strategy that, linking behaviour to the weather. My children can be just as abominable on sunny days as rainy. Love the sound of that moo song!

Cath said...

Popping in to say "hi" and hope all is ok. Keep smiling!

Elizabeth Musgrave said...

Great first line for a song. I want to join in.

Anonymous said...

Children are very observant when they want to be.

Don't the school mind you blogging about them? I have been banned from writing about Amy's school - they threatened me with legal action!

CJ xx

Anonymous said...

Sasha freaks me out!

Anonymous said...

*sniggers*

DJ Kirkby said...

What can I say? LOL again!

Mya said...

Where are you? Hope all is ok- that you're working on 3 kidsnojob the novel...or something!

Mya x

Millennium Housewife said...

It's Tueasday, how's the piano looking? MH

Irene said...

I had to move my blog. Hope you come and see me. Love, Nora.
http://brightandsunny.wordpress.com/

Tim Atkinson said...

Serendipity! (And it's a good word, too!)

Anonymous said...

Are you still there???

A Mother's Place is in the Wrong said...

Hi Omega Mum, have just come over to see what you're up to - have been absent for too long. And I see you're absent too? Hope you are OK, and that Sasha didn't dent you. She sounds a tricky one. I love the sound of that song.. Do come back and Blog again. M xx

Mid-lifer said...

How do you write so well Omega mum - does it come easy or do you work on it? Me? I'm struggling at the moment.

molly gras said...

OM -
I miss you, my friend. It's been too long since hearing from you.

I really hope nothing dastardly has happened to either you or any of your lovely kids.

I'm hoping you're knee deep in a Sasha-extradition process (that harpy needs to be shipped off to Siberia!!)

Whatever is consuming your time, just know I'm still checking in and wondering about you ...

Cath said...

You've been gone a long time. Hope you're ok.

Unknown said...

Just popped in from a tag over at Sparx's place (Notes from Inside My Head).
Brilliant post. I will never look at my son's reception class teacher in the same light again!
Blog more please.

Anonymous said...

Just found your site, hope you are only taking a holiday.

lady macleod said...

You are always good for a laugh, and I mean that in the best way possible!