Friday, 1 August 2008

Mission impossible

"95% of our patients see a smile as a valuable social asset," says the dentist's flyer that's just popped through the letterbox .

For the rest of the day, I mull over the 5% who don't. Are they so generously supplied with assets that teeth come a long way down the list or have they simply given up trying?

"The things you fuss about," says Lindy who, thanks to her outsize personality and embonpoint, probably accounts for at least four of those missing percentage points all on her own.

Unlikely though it sounds, we're cycling to the supermarket, not because Lindy has suddenly developed a taste for exercise but because she's just had the latest cosmetic treatment on a few almost imperceptible thread veins and wants to display the results to an admiring public. I can only hope the public has been adequately schooled in its response.

Lindy, who has no truck with lycra shirts and padded shorts is, in its loosest sense, wearing a skirt so short it is actually a fringe. She pauses at the traffic light to admire her reflection in a shop window. Several drivers, doing the same thing, swerve violently.

"Like my mount?"she yells at me. She is in command of a man's bike that she describes as a 'trophy'. I'd like to ask what happened to its previous owner, but with Bad Lindy, ignorance is almost invariably bliss - or at the very least, a necessity if nightmares full of graphic text-fuelled images are to be avoided.

"Blimey - dropped my sunglasses," says Lindy. "I'll just get off and pick them up."

As she dismounts, she is compelled to essay a sort of high kick to avoid the bike frame. At the apex of the manoeuvre, I hear what I can only descibe as a collective gasp and the scene suddenly resembles one of those freeze frame panoramic ads, where all movement is suddenly stilled.

Except, that is, for Lindy, who repeats her high kick and re-mounts, apparently oblivious to the reaction she's caused.

"Lindy," I say, not having to raise my voice at all, as it is the only thing audible in an otherwise completely silent street.


"Everyone's looking."

"So? What's new?"

She follows my gaze and is greeted with expressions that range from total shock to utter delight.

"Bloody hell," she says. "Good thing I've didn't go commando today."

She pauses, evidently trying to remember something.

"Whoops!" she says, and guffaws. "Who says a smile's a girl's best social asset now?"

She cycles on ahead, still laughing. "Remind me to keep my glasses on, on the way home," she calls back to me.


Irene said...

We should all be so lucky and be at least a little bit like Lindy and stop some of the traffic. I don't think I have ever stopped traffic in my life, let alone caused a car to swerve. I've been whistled at by men on building sites, but I don't give that much credence. They whistle automatically at anything with breasts.

Frog in the Field said...

Bad Lindy lives right up to her name..please tell me she's real?

Anonymous said...

I crashed my car you know... I have never seen a thingey before....

Expat mum said...

This is obviously the latest fashion. Didn't Trinny do something like that recently, getting into the back of a friends soft top Mini? I think I'll have to practise in the privacy of my garage first.
Glad to see you're back blogging, albeit when I was off on hols, freezing my bum off in England.

molly gras said...

Flashy snatch is should NEVER take the place of a beautifully perfectly orchestrated smile.

(And tell Lindy to keep those undies on, for heaven's sake!!)

Waffle said...

Hello Omega mum,

Do you feel inspire to take part in my internet village fĂȘte (where bad craft happens to good people)?

I bet you could make something lovely. You can tell Lindy the rules involve no taste and decency requirements whatsoever.

Potty Mummy said...

And there was me convinced you were going to tell us that she had - gone commando, that is... Is Bad Lindy feeling quite well?

Anonymous said...

Mr Greenwood also goes commando, usually because I can't be arsed to wash his undercrackers, and why should I anyway, goddamn it?
I suspect that MR G doing the scissor splits on the high street without suitable lingerie would be far less attractive than your fringed chum.
I have just taken a mental snapshot and it has put me off my bacon and eggs.

The Good Woman said...

Oh how I have missed the Lindy antics. Although with that attitude I bet she's got a well practiced smile too!

Cath said...

Bad Lindy is bad. Very very bad.
But funny.

Jenna said...

hey terrific writing want to hear more, much more. Is it an excerpt form a novel to be????

A Mother's Place is in the Wrong said...

Well, have been catching up with you after far too long. At least you have got through the summer holidays intact (I think). So funny to read about the bike flashing incident! How could she have forgotten? M :-)

A Mother's Place is in the Wrong said...

PS. You certainly have been cleaning up on the Awards - many congratulations and well-deserved.
M xx