Lose a third of a pound in just seven years!

Calcium supplements reduce women's weight gain, said a report today. Sounded good to me. I might not quite be prepared to gnaw my own bones to ensure I meet the daily recommended amounts but it would be a close call.

Until, that is, I read the amount of weight not gained and the time it took not to gain it.

And get this. After seven (that's 7) years of taking those supplements, women in trials managed not to gain - wait for it - a massive one third of a pound - around, ooh, I don't know - 120 or 130g - the size of largish double chocolate chip muffin.

So get out now, buy those supplements and in just seven year's time, you could be a whole 5oz lighter than your friends. Alternatively, you could just not bother, hang on seven years, then go and sweat the weight off in one morning at a sauna.

No wonder there was another story today saying that female chimps are just as violent as the males and are going on the rampage, killing and maiming everything they can lay their hairy little hands on.

Nobody knows why. Except me. It's obvious. They've all been taking calcium supplements for seven years, only to discover that they've lost precisely one third of a pound compared to the other female chimps, and they're as mad as hell.

Ritalin, where is thy sting? And what are its weight gain figures over seven years, anyway?