Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Swine fever - the musical!

I arrive at school in a wave of hysteria. Actually, I arrive everywhere in a wave of hysteria. It's just more obvious in a school, where at least half the staff seem to have been recruited for their ability to exist in a state of ordered calm that borders on the unnatural.

Like everyone else, I've been calculating the odds of staying in employment with or without a pension. Thanks to swine fever, the good news is that none of us will need to worry about being jobless - or reaching pensionable age.

The bad news is that because of swine fever, this is because we'll all be dead.

But there's one silver lining to it all. Our fabulous new pandemic coincides with planning for the summer plays. Asked to consider animal-based themes for reception, I've had some corking ideas.

There's the semi-staged version of 'Old Macdonald's Farm,' whose climax coincides with the line 'and on that farm he had some pigs,' which is follows by mass hysteria and a stampede for the exit.

Or we could do 'Three little pigs,' with the three hastily crossed out and replaced, successively by 'two,' 'one' and, 'Oh my God, I've got the sniffles,' followed by mass hysteria and so on.

Chortling heartily at my own wit, I pull open the staff room door and by way of greeting shout, 'We're all going to die!'

Half a dozen unnaturally serene faces stare back at me. Half a dozen faces of unbridled serenity - and Sasha's.

'Ah, Mrs Philistine,' she says. 'Had you met the chair of governors? We'd arranged he'd be attending the staff meeting today to get to know you all a little better.'

At this point, it's hard to know what to do for the best. Whipping out a fetching little blue face mask, as seen in Mexico, but with the logo 'Get off me, you swine,' and then tap-dancing backwards out through the door again and into the street would be the best option if, as unfortunately isn't the case, I possessed a) a mask and b) the ability to tap dance.

But thank heavens for quick-thinking colleagues.

'That's one of the songs for the summer play, isn't it, Mrs Philistine,' asks the deputy head. 'Surely I remember you saying that you had a really good idea for a gripping adventure yarn. Didn't you....?'

For once quick-witted enough not just to recognise but act on a cue, I nod in violent agreement.

'How clever of you to remember,' I say, gratefully. 'And I think I've just remembered where the music for it is. Excuse me. I must see if it's there.'

Later on, I thank her.

'Do you think Sasha was fooled?' I ask.

'Pigs might fly,' she says. 'And if they do, let's pray they sneeze on her as they whistle past.'

26 comments:

Cath said...

You need allies. You have one. You need them ALL.
And some sneezing, whistling, flying pigs...

Iota said...

I'm sure you could have heard a pig drop in that room. When you left, did you say "Toodle-pig, everyone"?

Is the musical going to include the number "Swine Low, Sweet Chariot"?

Or "Blow the wind sowtherly, sowtherly, sowtherly"?

And what about that famous hymn "Piglet all the world in every corner sing"?

Or "I've trotter lovely bunch of coconuts"?

I've got to stop this right now. I'm in danger of becoming boaring.

Iota said...

Sorry.

Omega Mum said...

Cath: Come and join me. We could laugh at each other's jokes, whistle in the dark etc etc

Iota: I need your real name so can credit you as co-writer on the programme. Every one a winner. 'Oink, Oink,' as Basil Brush used to say.

Katherine said...

Excellent, love it; might steal that idea and present it as my own next week in school (plagiarism is as rife as Swine fever!). I was reading my local area webpage t'other day and someone on the forum there was seriously encouraging raiding the supermarket and stockpiling supplies; I wonder what he'd make of "The Three Little Pigs"? Tagged you too (hope you don't mind) see mine for details

Mya said...

Porktastic! My husband says I need one of those face masks...I'm not ill or anything, though...I loved this post - you sound gloriously unhinged - perhaps a little fevered?

Mya x

Iota said...

Can't pork now. Scratch you later.

Omega Mum said...

Katherine: Be my guest. And see Iota's song suggestions. Every one a winner.

Mya: I'm getting my body to stage an internal swine flu v dementia contest - so it's hard to know what's causing the problems. Those masks are strangely alluring. I wear mine all the time now....

Iota: If you'd asked me to guess which topics would set your punning abilities on fire, I'd never have said swine fever. I am a little wiser, and a great deal happier.

Potty Mummy said...

I bow in the face Iota's superior punning abilities. Who would have thought she would have had such a crackling sense of humour?

Cath said...

Iota has just got me cracked up now...
Or porked up.
Whatever. I'll get me coat :)

Omega Mum said...

Potty Mummy: Better snout than in, is all I can say.

Cath: Isn't porked up what the cars are in posh, over-crowded residential districts, or is it a lewd term for something no nice music teacher would ever do. (Good thing I'm not a nice music teacher). Do hurry up and get into school, Cath - I've not got all day and my trotters are getting cold.

Expat mum said...

Well I tried, I really tried, but I can't come up with single bloody pork pun.
And here's Iota commenting on my blog about how shy and repressed she was in her teens. Obviously just needed the right blogging prompts to bring her out.
Cracking post BTW. I laughed out loud at the image of you tap dancing backwards with blue face mask on!

Cath said...

Hey hey! I got this one today - I called the swine flu hotline - but all I got was crackling! Bad-um!

Maternal Tales said...

Be sure to ham it up...

Paradise Lost In Translation said...

Glad I popped over for a good British dose of madness & black humour in the face of mass hysteria. Of course it meant I burnt tonight's supper I was getting ahead of myself by cooking. I don't think I need to tell you what was on the menu...

Iota said...

You're all so kind, but really, I don't want to hog the limelight here.

Motheratlarge said...

Oink, oink. This little piggy went "Tee hee hee" when she read your lovely posting, Omega Mum.

Sorry I haven't been commenting much of late. Only now surfacing from post-natal daze. Great to see you on such good form.

Reasons to be Cheerful 1,2,3 said...

Hi first time here today, can't remember who via...

Loved that post, very funny...well it would be if I didn't have the flu.

Z said...

I suspect the invitation to become a staff governor is winging its way to you already - flying in the way pigs are wont to do, that is.

Katherine said...

Hiya, have given you a little award over at my blog; sorry if you've already got it but love your work!!! Off for my little tipple now (white wine yum yum!)

nixdminx said...

pigtastic - so good in fact, I've given you an award back at mine, thanks for the giggle..

SuE said...

hi nice blog!

Meg a mite said...

Most excellent blog.
I shall happily follow along with a smile on my face.

Brillig said...

Hahahahaha. Hilarious.

Stay at home dad said...

Hope the hysteria is better... we seem to be a bit out of step!

Sahd

Who's who said...

Dulwich has been knee deep in Tami-flu - don't you think that sounds like Tammy Wynette's sister? OHMYGOD! Where the hell are you sweetie, I was hoping to crack open a bottle of vino with you.

I have changed my address to dulwichmum.net from blogspot, if you see what I mean. I am hoping that you have not forgotten blogging or me (sigh)...