"Do you prefer authentic 17th century music or the modern pieces written especially for children?" asks Sasha, next day.
Ten minutes into my recorder lesson, she's entered at a gallop. Appalled by the noise the children are making, she plucks recorders from them as she passes so that by the time she reaches the piano she resembles a demented Interflora employee, bearing what looks like a bunch of deformed, bloomless stems.
“This school is noted for its above average discipline,” she lectures me. “That was absolutely dreadful. I could hear them all the way down the corridor.”
She announces that she has a lute and is not afraid to use it. To try and work out my next move in this musical one-upmanship version of 'Stone, paper, scissors,' I have bought a book in a second hand shop about old musical instruments. It has the grippingly apposite title "Old Musical Instruments," and copious illustrations. The very first one features the Sirens who, it says, "symbolise the forces of destruction unleashed by evil sounds." Not a good time to start acting on those voices in my head, then, and claiming that satanically altered madrigal words made me swap my recorder for a set of kitchen knives.
"Apparently Sasha belongs to some weird sect," I tell Vicky, when I see her later. "One of the other teachers told me."
"So what do they believe in?" asks Vicky.
"Apparently they see evil everywhere."
"So does everyone Bad Lindy's ever met. Proves nothing. And it's practically inevitable with the recorder, I'd have thought."
"It follows the teachings of a woman, who emerged from a submerged continent after 35,000 years to reveal the truth."
"Which is?"
"They believe the human body is evil. And when I think of all that ogling going on at Miss Mermaid, I've got more than a grain of sympathy."
"It took her 35,000 years to come up with that?" says Vicky. "Somebody should have told her to pop down for another few thousand years until she thought up something more interesting."
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8 comments:
Sasha is probably the incarnation of that 35,000 year old woman, which would explain her other world inability to have genuine human like reactions to emotions and general intercourse between human beings that is not of the sexual kind, of course.
She obviously is uncomfortable with such things as verbal and body language and the interpretation thereof and in her other life only communicated through telepathy and rapid eye movements.
She is probably very good at communicating with dolphins and sardines, so you may want to suggest an outing to a large public aquarium, although that is more Colin's cup of tea, isn't it?
Lol!
I prefer authentic music!!
Tell Sasha that you think the modern specially-written pieces are unimaginative, and the 17th century music is so, well, 17th century. You have therefore decided to start the children on Shostakovich. Didn't she recognise it?
I say you get rid of the recorders and arm them all with violins. They make the most delightful sounds for the first 7 or so years. I have two here I can send you!
I love Bad Lindy, and I fancy a night on the town. Is she free at all? I need to get loaded... God she sounds like unrestrained fun from where I am sitting.
Try trumping her lute with a didgeridoo - the kids would love it. And if it's evil she's looking for, hit her with it.
Mya x
Sweet I: Do you think it would ruin our relationship to ask if I could have her carbon dated?
Casdok: Glad to hear that..
Iota: You are wasted and should be here with me, standing up for me while being funny and amusing instead of pathetic and jobsworth. Please come now. Am desperate.
Expat Mum: Cracking idea. Except that it might kill me first.
Dulwich Mum: If you know any good firefighter haunts (apart from fires, naturally) she'll be there.
Mya: We have a didgeridoo in the cupboard. I'd like to say I'm joking, but I'm not. Oh, God.....
"Trumping her lute with a didgeridoo" - I thought this was a family blog (Bad Lindy notwithstanding).
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