'Am on way to meet man who may be mad axe murderer at concert. Tom says he couldn't care less but to let him know if I'm not coming back so he doesn't wait up'
Cultured Mum is clearly in a bit of a state. Not content with the impact of Nordic walking on her body, she's decided to give her brain a work-out, too. Where others might make synapses swell and flex with back copies of 'The Puzzler' magazine, Cultured Mum has started swapping thoughts on The Arts with a man who runs a classical music website.
They've got quite an intense e-mail relationship going, and now things are moving on. He's asked her to go to a concert with him, with a view to commissioning some reviews. To her own amazement, she's said yes - it's on a Saturday night, too - and is now suffering agonies of conscience as a result.
"Stupid cow," says Bad Lindy who is round at Vicky's, drinking wine and picking through the crisps to see how many have been pre-gnawed by rodents. "She probably gets her thoughts laundered so they're all pure and white, let doing anything to be guilty about."
Bad Lindy snatches the 'phone and stabs out a reply.
'Atta girl. Am proud of u. take studded condoms and ky jelly. i think it's great that you're going 2 makle fker Tom jealous. Hope ure really dressed up with plenty of make-up and huge cleavage.'
There's a long pause. Then the reply:
'Think may have killed jealousy by telling Tom the man has small, whiney voice.'
'Wot's rest of him like?' texts Bad Lindy. 'foto would be nice as proof. Tell him Bad Lindy insists. We're waiting, innit.'
Two hours later;
'All fine. I even told him that was a little worried he was rapist or killer and he said that was a mad axe murderer but this was his day off as otherwise runs out of axes. Phew! And think I've got reviewing work out of it, too.'
'Reviewing is a piece of piss,' texts bad Bad Lindy. 'Just put 9 out of 10 - phwoarr. Works every time. Tell him I'm I'll be on the next train to give him a full critique. Reasonable fees. Instant feedback.'
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9 comments:
Trust Bad Lindy to see potential in an axe murderer - a truly talented woman that.
How hilarious. Must sotp reading your posts while I am drinking tea! I have given you an award on my other blog (Exquisite Dreams). Come on over and collect it.
the good woman: I can't help feeling there's the occasional splinter of light in a heart of otherwise inpenetrable darkness. Could easily be wrong, though.
DJK: Sorry about your tea! Thanks so much for award. Hurrying over now.
Very funny post! The whiney voice would have done it for me. I once spotted the most gorgeous man at a party and was thrilled when he came to talk to me - until he opened his mouth and "whiney voice " came out. I was immediately put off him!
Louise: Isn't it sad? Almost as sad as disovering an absolute Adonis who turns out to have a head stuffed with toenail clippings. No - that's sadder, I think.
Or else, my discovery that my athlete boyfriend when I was in my twenties with a FANTASTIC body was a little bit inadequate size-wise!!
Well done on awards. Say Hi to Vicky - with whom I feel akin - bearing in mind our mutual driving problem.
mid-lifer: That is tragic, I agree. And the winner, probably. No award exists to celebrate this feat, yet, I fear.
Is Bad Lindy neversatisfied??
M&M: Inside, I'm convinced there's a sad woman who's searching for a perfection that she'll have to accept is impossible. But she's still digging her way out.
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