No electricity? No running water? Swimming around like a headless chicken?
No need to worry. Fortunately, the Department of the Blindingly Obvious, relocated to one of our leading national newspapers for the Silly Season, is only too keen to help out with hints and tips to put you right:
These include the following:
"If you can get to the shops, buy batteries and torches." It says nothing about what to do if you can't. Dive for flints, dry them out and pray for sparks, perhaps.
"Tune in to a local radio station for the latest news." Not tuning in severely impedes the quality of news on offer. Oh, and don't forget to turn it on first. Unless you've forgotten to get to the shops and buy batteries and torches, in which case go back to the top and start again.
"Get to a friend's or relative's house for a shower, or for washing clothes." Be honest. Would you ever have worked that one out on your own?
All quotes courtesy of The T****s.
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15 comments:
At any time of disaster remember that you must eat as much chocolate as you can which, during emergency situations, poses no calorific / weight gaining threat.
That's a top tip, Gwen. Thank you. (I find the same rule applies at moments of stress or just overwhelming greed - but that might just be me).
Don't forget to wear your Wellies while standing in waist deep water to plug in the appliances should the power come back on... and as long as you are wet it is a great time to put a hair masque - you know, so you look really great if some further disaster befalls and you BECOME the news..
I like gwen's idea...
How do you was with bottled water - what about washing clothes and the car? Oh no, I couldn't be doing with floods Ms Omega - I would leave instead..
Of course I should have remembered that it was Vicky, not you, who called in (or was it received an unsolicited visit from?) Deadly Dave!
And so far as flood warnings go, well I know that mnany of them sound rather fatuous, but there was this one the other day (from Richard and Judy), which I found both highly useful, and rather chilling...
If you expect to be flooded, one precaution you must take is to put a brick or other heavy object over your manhole cover to weight it down. Because if you don't, there's a danger that the waters will dislodge it and it will be carried away - leaving a potentially fatal gaping hole for unsuspecting waders to drop into!
I live within seventy five yards of the Thames myself, and I have that particular precaution very much in mind. Though fortunately, the expected 'surge' hasn't got down so far as Kingston ...
Have a heart - they have to fill a whole newspaper with tiny print, remember. And I'm sure many people think it's imperative in a flood crisis to panic-buy, I don't know - rubber ducks, coconuts and tampons - and are grateful for the pointer.
Brilliant and no, it's not just you.
Hilarious. And don't forget drink red wine, not white. Which would need chilling and assuming you're on batteries and torches you're not going to have necessary chill factor for Chablis.
Going back to your previous post, squirrels and rats; if it was a red rodent get it stuffed.
I don't know what action the "department" are actually deciding to take, it doesn't seem to be getting any better does it. The poor people who are living in these conditions don't have much hope at present.
Crystal xx
Lady M: Practical yet stylish advice. I'd expect nothing less
Mutley: Washing the car properly would be one of my worries, too - especially with all that spray from the howler monkeys' speedboats?
IB: Now that really IS useful advice. Compare and contrast with newspaper
Orchidea: Uh oh. So the gross of tampons I bought yesterday (free rubber duck with every pack) wasn't an essential purchase? Whoops!
Reluctant Memsahib: MORE essential advice. You see. We're doing so much better.
CJ: Sadly I'm convinced it was a rat. Whatever Vicky says.
Hahaha. Wow, (says Brillig sarcastically) what incredibly helpful information!!! Just what would you have done without those insights? It's nice to see that your taxes are being spent on such brilliance.
This level of sophistication makes government advice to pregnant women and new mothers look positively enlightened. Is there no end to municipal munificence?
Seriously, hope you are all okay and not affected by flooding?
I like Gwen's tip too!
Brillig: Don't you feel you've reached a new plane of cosmic enlightenment? I know I do....
M@L: Feet dry so far, thanks
M&M: Gwen would have won prize had I had nous to offer one.
If the duck was a vibrating one, then yes. ;)
Orchidea: Good point.
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