How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

1. A friend has elderly, increasingly vague parents. Her mother has had a fall and her leg is in plaster. She, and my friend's father, can't remember why:

'In the evenings, when they're getting ready for bed, Mum will say, "This is so uncomfortable, when am I going to get rid of it?" and Dad will say, "Where did that plaster come from." Then he'll get scissors and hack from the bottom end. Fortunately he never gets very far. So I wrote on the plaster, ‘fractured kneecap’ with arrows in both directions so Dad would know how serious it was and Mum would remember. Then I hid the scissors. Last night, the carer found Dad walking down the hall with a large carving knife and asked him what wanted it for. He said: "I can’t find any scissors. I’m going to cut off the plaster on Jean’s leg." Now we'll have to hide all the knives, too.

2. Message from woman with troubled marriage:

'I ask if OK when I'm cheerily cooking family supper. He says yes fine, thank you. I am very happily engrossed in my Times crossword. He is odd and I'm not. Should I leave the mismatchoddbod? Dare I? Do the fk I!? I daren't. Fkit.

3. Reading buddies
Deborah, 7, to me: Mum? What if you fall in love with your reading buddy?
Me: I should enjoy it
Deb: I never know his name.
Me; What if you ask him?
Deb: He just says it too quietly. At first I thought his name was Duncan, but I think he said, 'Lincoln'. I'll just forget it again and again.
Me: What's he like?
Deb: He has ginger hair and small eyes and freckles and he's sweet. But how can I think he's sweet if he's in Year 5 and I'm in Year 2? And he'll always be three years older than me. When I'm 8, he'll be 11. When I'm 11, he'll be 14. When I'm 12, he'll be (pause) 17?
Me (I can spot a soft learning opportunity when I see one) Think of your three times table
Deb: 19?
(Pause)
Deb: I'm not going on a date when I'm 7. But I might.........I might.