Pees in a pod

"Honestly. Dogs. Who'd have one?" says Vicky.

"Well, me, for a start," I say.

"And look at your life. You spend the whole time handing out bottles of wine to people who return her when she runs away and clearing up sick."

"Sure you're not thinking of Bad Lindy?" I say. "And what's with the dog business, anyway?"

"It's the husband," says Vicky. "Now we've got the aga, he's going for the accessories. And a dog's next on the list."

She holds up the book that's open on her knees.

"'Best of Breed - your guide to choosing the perfect pup,'" I read out, in a tone of mounting incredulity.

"He wanted some sort of gun dog to begin with," says Vicky. "Until I told him the only thing it'd retrieve round here is low-flying aircraft - and we'd need to get its teeth reinforced to get a proper grip on the wing tips."

"And if scrap metal prices take a tumble on the world markets you'd be on a hiding to nothing when you tried to sell the wreckage,"

"They all sound like psychopaths," says Vicky. "Listen to this. 'Clumber spaniels are usually trustworthy with children' - good thing I like a gamble, and they say plastic surgery costs are coming down all the time. And get this: 'As puppies, they may be submissive urinators.'"

"Is that good or bad?" I ask.

"Put it this way, if Francis started doing it at meetings, I shouldn't think he'd last long," says Vicky.

"How do you think they come up with these breeds, anyway? Sit down at a big table at the end of Crufts, brainstorm a list of things the dog should and then shoehorn them into one breed?," I say, removing the book and opening it randomly in the 'Large dogs' section. "How about St Bernards? 'Drool after they drink or eat.' Fit in well round here, then."

"Or labradors. 'Crave human attention.'"

"Join the flaming club," we chorus.

Bad Lindy crashes through the house like a fugitive Baskerville pursued by the family hellhound.

"What is it?" asks Vicky, stunned by her distinctly twitchy look.

"I'm being stalked," says Lindy. "Stalked. I ask you. Me! What am I suppose to be do about it?"

"If it's dog that's on your scent, you could try going teetotal."

"And if it's a human, I'd have thought a short of passive urination would do the trick."