"Christmas catalogue books are in," says Vicky. "Here, listen to this: 'Have you ever wished you could recreate the traditional magic of a Victorian Christmas tree, complete with lighted candles?'"
There's a brief pause, then,
"No," we both chorus, and she chucks the catalogue at the Aga where it clings briefly to a damp patch of home made jelly before sliding off the enamel and on to the sleeping hamster.
"Vicky," I say, "What's the hamster doing in front of the Aga?"
"Toasting itself."
"I've heard of self-basting chickens, but this is ridiculous," I say.
"I'm not ready for a labrador," says Vicky, "so I thought I'd start off small and work up."
"Isn't it rather hot for it?" I say.
"No..though, now you come to mention it, he's not been moving around much recently."
She prods at the straw with a sugar thermometer. There's a small 'crunch'.
"Oh, bloody hell," she says, parting the straw to reveal a small, mummified corpse. "That's the third this week. And the pet shop says I've used up the similar looking ones from the same litter."
"Never mind," I say. "Thanks to the Aga, you'll be laughing."
I pick up the catalogue again.
"Have you ever wished you could create the traditional magic of a taxidermist's Christmas tree, complete with mummified rodent corpses?"
There's a short pause, then:
"Yes," we both chorus, as the still drying hamster stinks gently in front of the Aga.
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9 comments:
You can have some of our mice if you want. We have caught dozens recently in the kitchen cupboards.
Crystal xx
It's just no use 'playing' with an Aga - a real, live Labrador is required; preferably permanently wet and 'suzzzzzing' quietly - odours mingling delicately with the venison casserole.
A hamster just lacks a certain something, don't you think? (Personally I think they lack everything usually including the will to live but each to their own).
Hilarious post.
Suppose you don't need to worry about the Ghosts of Christmas Past when you have Bad Lindy, Vicky and Co. around. I foresee a roaring trade in these fashionable Christmas decorations. Perhaps Francis could take charge of overseas sales to Canada.
Stuffing a hamster? Is it really worth the bother? Tell her to get a rat next time, at least you'll have a bit more to work with.
Mya x (rolling eyes and puffing cheeks out, hamster fashion.)
Yikes, I am going to have nightmares thinking of a tree filled with stuff hamsters...
Look, just because you've got an aga (and actually, obviously a kitchen big enough to have an aga) doesn't mean you can keep mentioning it in your posts (well Ok, I'm just thinking of one other post).
I'm just jealous crabby and cranky because i've had a grumpy day!...but seriously, is the hamster OK??!!@@
Now that's a story that really cut me up! I had been feeling all warm and fuzzy about that little hamster dozing happily by the aga. Size really doesn't matter when it comes to aga-dozing, it seems to me - a dormouse would do quite as well as any dog.
So there he was, disturbed only by a falling (whatever it was, can't go back to see); on he dozed anyway, and all seemed well with the world...
And then you went and killed him!
It won't do, you know - it really won't. Some time or other there has to be a happy ending...
Ooops!
CJ: Do you have any gift wrapped ones?
Debio: I bow to you on all things Aga - and it's all at second hand, anyway, via Vicky.
M@L:Cracking idea. Obviously sardines would need to feature, but at least they're quite shiny and decorative to start off with, aren't they?
Mya: I can imagine it and you look radiant. Trust me.
Melinda: But strangely festive, don't you think?
Mid-lifer: Exorcise that rage and don't worry - it's not my Aga. Would I like one??? If I listen to Debio, my heart says yes, my brain says arc welder. It's hard to know where to go.
IB: I'm sorry. Get your writing courses set up and I'll be there, at the feet of the expert.
Casdok: It is sad.....Never mind, eh?
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