Crimping the sausage rolls

"Surprise!" says Vicky, putting a plate of what appear to be utterly ordinary sausage rolls in front of us. We crane forward, waiting to recoil in amazement while the labrador puppy looks hopefully on. "Nope," says Lindy. "I'm not getting anything so far, apart from puff pastry crumbs up my nose."

"I crimped the edges," says Vicky. "Can't you see?"

"I think it only works before they're frozen," I say. "But the holes round the edges have a certain charm. And if they ever introduce finger-print based identification, I'm pretty sure they could use these for reference."

"You've got post-Aga guilt, that's your trouble." says Bad Lindy. "There's a part of you that's always going to feel bad because you're not decorating jars of home-made lemon curd with gingham ribbons. And that labrador's not helping."

"I rang the Aga man to see if he could come and dismantle the dog, too, and install it in a new home but he refused. Said they don't touch anything that runs on raw meat and walkies."

"You could always bring it round to the vet's," says Bad Lindy, eyeing the dog speculatively. "I'm trying to bring in bargain treatment options for the meaner pet owner."

"What do you mean?"

"Take euthanasia," says Bad Lindy. "You could have the luxury option for the discerning customer - chapel of rest, hand-finished casket, soothing massage - though that's obviously only going to be an option for the discerning male customer."

"And for the budget shopper?"

"Mallet over the head round the back of the surgery for a fiver."

"And how's that playing with the vets?"

"Funnily enough," says Bad Lindy, "they say it may need a bit of mulling over. The locum took me up on the trial massage, though we had a bit of a fight about just where the soothing oils should be rubbed in. Sometimes I just despair of getting them to see things from a commercial perspective. Mind you," she says, brightening, "Vaccination charges will shoot up this year."

"How do you know?" asks Vicky.

"Simple. I didn't bother sending out any reminder notices, so they'll all have to pay double and start all over again."

"And how's that gone down with the vets?"

"Haven't told them," says Bad Lindy. "I can't decide whether to break the good news when I negotiate my pay rise or leave it as a surprise for later on." She crams a couple of crimped sausage rolls into her mouth. "Honestly," she says, showing us with pinkish meat and greyish crumbs. "There are times when I just don't think they appreciate me."