Good with foam rubber

Assembly today is based on the fable of The Lion and Mouse and is about using your talents, however minimal.

The children are all reading out the nice things their friends have said about them. Some have had an easier job than others. "I am good at making things out of foam rubber," one reads, laboriously.

Then it's time for birthdays. The teacher quizzes David about his special day: "So you had a special party, did you? And you had a magician? How exciting. And did he have a special magic name?" "Ken," says David.

Sasha appears on top motivational form to hand out good work certificates. As their names are called, the children haul themselves to their feet, using the conveniently placed jumpers of their neighbours as grappling irons and their heads for balance.

Whether they're any the wiser about their achievements when they get to the front is open to question. "Good work on your homophones," Sasha says warmly to a baffled looking 5-year old. "You have been trying really hard with your high frequency words," she praises another.

By the time he has extolled the virtues of regular consonant, vowel, consonant practice to a third, I am sneaking furtive looks at the teachers to see if I am the only one who feels as if I've stumbled in on a teaching Klingon as a foreign language session.

But then it comes to a grinding halt. "Those two girls there! Playing with each other's hair. What do you think you're doing. Really!" They smile, uneasily, which prompts further exasperation. "You don't see me playing with your teacher’s hair, do you?" I catch another teacher’s eye and we both look hastily upwards, but the image Sasha has conjured up is so vivid that it might just as well be painted on the ceiling. It's a relief when the classes file out at the end, to the accompaniment of Mozart's Requiem. 'Je t'aime' might have been more appropriate, but there's never been much call for it before today....