Pillow talk

'Offered: Old pillows for composting. Feathers are basically organic - so why not compost them? For a perfect mix, mix the feathers with hair, which contains ten times the nitrogen of most manures and add wetter stuff, like tea bags.'

"Why bother with tea bags?" says Vicky, when I mention this to her, later. "If you've got all that hair to get rid of, you've clearly got a whole body to dispose of and it's definitely not a time to stint. I'd add some blood and top the whole thing off with a few intestines, woven in to vary the texture. Done nicely, you'd have a visual focus that anyone would be proud of. After all, those willow hurdles are so terribly pre-global warming, aren't they?

"In fact," she says,"I might to suggest it to Dave.You'd have thought that what with niche marketing taking off, somebody would be catering for the psychopath keen on reducing his bloodstained carbon footprint but not a bit of it. When he really does start running amok with his Stanley knife, he'll be wanting a few tips on being creative with body parts, and I'd guarantee it's not something they're covering off in those TV property programmes."