Glowing in the dark

The word is out in cyberspace. I'm searching for a present for Francis' birthday and every gift site knows it. Like dodgy merchants in a third rate bazaar, they quickly dust off the utterly hopeless non-sellers. Top of the list are the toecovers that combine two totally unrelated functions and lump them together, simply because they can.

There's 'The amazing credit card torch - such a cool gadget you won't be able to put it down for days once it arrives',* though only, I suspect, if it automatically staples itself to your hand when you first unwrap it.

Or what about the 'Ego Boost key ring'*. Press it just before nerve-wracking occasions, such as job interviews and it will deliver such positive, life-affirming statements as 'Wow, I love what you've done with your hair!' - in Francis' case, presumably, referring to his body's successful attempts to shed most of it.

How about the 'Glow in the dark love dice.' *Throw them during those passionate moments and get a random selection of naughty things to do. In the case of the Brits there's doubtless a selection of highly charged eroticism like, 'Remove socks!', 'Close book!' or 'Share boiled sweet!' And it gets rave reviews, too: "Probably the best £3.50 I've ever spent," says Tony from Basingstoke.

I give up in disgust and leaf through a magazine. Then I come across a paragraph that makes me realise that, to misquote LP Hartley, celebrity is a foreign country. One loving spouse has, apparently, paid for a rose to be named in honour of her multi millionaire husband. He, in turn, has taken the logical next step and spent millions on turning the rose's fragrant smell into a mass market scent.

I look out at the scrubby lawn. If there were ever roses the man-eating dandelions saw them off long ago. Still......."Francis Pis en Lit," has a certain ring to it. And with a bit of cross marketing, it's a slogan that lends itself nicely to the 'Glow in the dark love dice,' too.

* = Absolutely genuine quotes, for once.