Tuesday 20 November 2007

Polished performance

"I had to say 'no' - he was just too bald," says Bad Lindy, regretfully. "You know, not just hairless but slightly shiny looking, like he'd been out too long in the rain. And I could never cope with a man I kept wanting to polish."

"So what would you go for - original beeswax or a spray?" asks Vicky.

"God knows, I'm no housekeeper. A spray would probably be safest. If they've got a few little tufts of hair left - they often do, as keepsakes, I reckon - anything more solid would go all lumpy in the strands."

"Good point," says Vicky. "Mind you, you'd have to rethink your handbag policy. Forget spare knickers, you'd be packing soft dusters just in case you needed to buff something up to a mirror-quality surface you could see your face in."

"Exactly," says Bad Lindy. "That's why I said no. You have to watch these compulsions or they can take over your life. Let this one grow on you and next thing you know, you'd be pulling over at red lights and french polishing the heads of total strangers."

"Mind you," she adds, "They'd look good arranged in height size in a wall to ceiling display cabinet, like Russian dolls. Come on," she says, pulling Vicky to her feet. "Let's go and get some."

7 comments:

DJ Kirkby said...

Lol, I could just picture her hovering, dusting cloth in hand, waiting to pounce on his bald pate!

I Beatrice said...

And that's what I love about you, OM - that you can see things from an angle that nobody else would. "A man I would constantly be wanting to polish" for example..... Nobody but you could have thought-up something like that!

And now I shall never be able to think of anything else, when I see a shining pate!

I have always found them oddly attractive, myself. But then I'm old enough to remember Kojak!

Mya said...

I have no 'experience' of baldies, but I'm sure there is an urban myth about the follicly challenged (men) positively gushing with testosterone. Tell Bad Lindy there's no smoke without fire.

Mya x

Anonymous said...

I can definitely recommend Pledge. Good luck to Bad Lindy, she might need a bit of elbow grease.

Crystal xx

Mid-lifer said...

Hmmm, polishing pates eh? puts a new perspective on the phrase 'buff'.

On the plus side, the slapheads won't suffer from nits or dandruff - both turn-offs in themselves.

Omega Mum said...

DJ: Haven't you ever had the same urge? You haven't, have you?

IB: You are so nice to me that I have only to read your comments to make me feel that it isn't all in vain and galvanise me into writing the next post.

Mya: You make it sound so tempting I think I might save that one for myself.

CJ: Pledge, you say. Or Brasso, if they've been somewhere sunny? Perhaps not, though. I bet it would smear.

Mid-lifer: What's the betting there's some special slightly shiny type of headlouse evolving right now?

DJ Kirkby said...

erm...yes!