Francis goes off for his 'meet the new company' day. He is taken out for a 'hello' lunch, which makes a change from all those farewell ones, and is introduced to the products, his colleagues, and his responsibilities.
Not only will he be in charge of sales to Boot's, but there's more.
"I've been given Eastern Europe," he says, with a tinge of pride.
"As part of your bonus package?" I say. "How very generous. And just when they'd got used to democracy, too."
This job is better than Nojob, but not by enough. It pays 25% less, for a start, and while we're not on the breadline, we're certainly on the hydrogenated fat masquerading as a tasty teatime treat line. Bearable for now but not healthy in the long term.
The side effect of going back to work is that Francis, who has just become jargon-free, thanks to the Ribald Laughter programme much advocated by his loving family, is plunged into the addictive world of management speak, with disastrous results.
"I'm just going to commission the fridge," he announces, lugging our latest Freecycle acquisition through the front door.
"You what?" I ask him. "Surely you commission boilers or soldiers. But fridges?"
He looks a little hurt but carries on, switching on the fridge freezer in a small but simple ceremony that involves no more than a very small speech and the symbolic opening of a can of Stella. The fridge, which obviously doesn't like jargon either, whirs away busily but, in an interesting reversal of normal refrigeration principles, produces only hot air and the occasional burp from the coathanger bit at the back that looks like a 3D IQ test.
Francis is on to the problem at once. "I think a soft re-start is called for, this time round. We may have missed out a crucial stage in the ignition process."
He switches the fridge on again, but in slow motion. It still doesn't work. I know this is the first day of the rest of our lives - though, come to think of it, isn't every day the first day of the rest of our lives? - but I am feeling strangely unsympathetic. "You're rolling your eyes again," he says, accusingly.
I deny it. I am definitely not rolling my eyes. But as to muttering under my breath -well, that's a different matter altogether.
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25 comments:
I truly cannot imagine what the inside of your head looks like. You have such wit, and such an imagination that boggles the mind of a mere mortal such as I. funny, funny stuff - as always. Francis doesn't need to work, they should pay him to stay at home and be the laugh track for your blog.
Lady M: Out of curiousity, I had a quick look inside my scalp and am pleased to report the discovery of some fluff and a vital button that I can now sew on to a shirt. I'm so glad you enjoyed it and thanks for such a lovely comment. As they say, it makes it all worthwhile.
Oh poor Francis! I do think you might have taken his little ceremony of the fridge more seriously, mind you. I mean, this is the sort of language he's going to have to master if he wants to make his mark with these people, isn't it?
Tell him not to get too excited about 'getting Europe' though. Especially if it's a US company he's going to be working for. My daughter had Europe once too. It came as a package with the job she then had with a New York-based investment bank. She also had Australasia and Sth Africa - but the big bosses in New York seemed to regard them as just 'some little branch'... Somewhere.
I do wish Francis all success however, I really do!
Though I agree with Lady M, that if there were any justice or good sense in the world, he'd be able to stay at home with the kids, while your wonderfully witty words went out and brought in the money!
IB: It adds a whole new meaning to wanting the moon and the stars, doesn't it? I expect they're part of somebody's territory these days, don't you?
Oh go on, OM, roll your eyes.
I always look on today as the last day of the bit of my life that's gone before...
Turn on the oven; you might find it refrigerates. Then again, maybe I'm just clutching at straws. Cheer up - at least he hasn't started courting up the vacuum cleaner.
Oh, all right SAHD. Here goes.....I think I prefer your take on each new day. I'm going to try it out.
Orchidea: Oven as fridge has to be worth a try.
Courses in project management can have a similar effect. I blame all discussion of critical paths on them, anyway. Best of luck to Francis with the job.
Just because it's cropped up a couple of times now, what is Freecycle? Take it they recycle old computers/electrical goods?
M@L: Freecycle is a wonderful thing. You advertise anything you don't want any more and then give it away - all through the internet, and all locally. And if you need something, you ask for it. It's a bit like chanting for things, only more tangible.
chatting up, that should have read. I'm not sure whether "courting" was a Freudian slip, and if so, why.
I wish we had freecycle. The Swiss are reputedly the world leaders in recycling, but we still pay a king's ransom to get rid of old household appliances in the lawfully approved manner(I know someone who has the odd TV or three buried in their garden, next to the deceased moggies.)Tut, tut.
Orchidea; I think I prefer courting up - it has a distinctly upmarket feel. I can't imagine the Swiss taking to Freecycle - all those unregulated people galivanting around the cantons and swapping things - very unswiss, I'd have thought, and possibly unpatriotic.
You're spot on. Come now, you've lived here, haven't you? ;-) Some things are just simply not on, like mowing the lawn on a Sunday (not for religious reasons, you understand, but because people want some bloody peace and quiet!), which is considered antisocial in the extreme, putting your rubbish out two hours before the municipally appointed time and hanging your knickers out to dry.
God, I could go on and on, but perhaps I should do it on my own blog. There are a few advantages of living in CH though; the chocolate's good, people eat less junk food and exercise more and the "school run" is unknown. Same goes for ASBOs.
Orchidea: Always thrilled to have your comments here but a longer take on the Swiss psyche would make a great post. Look forward to reading it.
Congratulations to Francis - excellent news....
Are they giving away anywhere else in the world? Quite fancy Italy myself, if it's not already spoken for?!
Great blog, omega mum; been away from blogland lately so will catch up backwards.
Debio: Italy is yours. Can I borrow it when you've finished with it?
You'll get a chunk carved out where Umbria is - I reserved it two weeks ago. A blog on the Swiss psyche. Christ! Insurmountable task. (And I asked for it, didn't I?)
Orchidea: Volunteered, I think you'll find. It would make fascinating reading, though. Oh, go on, do. Why not start off with a post and see how you get on? A separate blog sounds extremely daunting.
Sorry, meant "blog" as in blog post. You asked for it. Come and see!
On my way, hon.
A wonderful saying "the first day of the rest of our lives". I've been there more times than I shudder to think of.
Crystal xx
Yes, CJ, but the advantage is that you can do it over and over again....
OM, thanks for explaining Freeserve to me. Sounds like there might be lots of possibilities...
M@L: You have to read between the lines of the descriptions, sometimes, and you do get a lot of mail (worth creating separate folder) but I find it strangely addictive and you get to see other people's homes without pretending to want to buy them - always fun, in my book.
I love the way you phrase things. I know I can expect a laugh when I come here. Management speak, ah the curmudgeon of dialects where perfectly sane people crank out utter gibberish and get applauded for it.
DJ: It's as if the language does the work - the more bizarre the words, the better the employee. Can't understand it myself, but there you are.
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