Each year, thousands of parents deliberately encourage small children to pick up a flimsy construction of two thin layers of wood joined together with glue and more wood and held with just one hand. On it are four pieces of wire, each tightened to high tension levels, capable of giving way at any moment.
As if that weren't enough to contend with, they then stuff a sharpened stick into the child's other hand and encourage him (or her) to move it to and fro, business end just at face level. (Style editor's note: Why not add a real eyeball to the ensemble for added fun and authenticity?)
There's a screw which, if turned in the wrong direction, deposits a load of horsehair spectacularly on to the floor, causing tears and necessitating expert assistance in putting matters right. And just for giggles, there's a disc of resin capable of coating child, adult and pets in a layer of fine, sticky dust.
In any other circumstances you'd keep something like this under lock and key. But no.
Anyone can operate a violin, despite the obvious danger, mess and inconvenience. And that's before you put stick to wire and try to produce a noise.
As the holidays finally drag into their closing stages, spare a thought for the thousands of parents about to sacrifice themselves on the altar of St Cecilia. God of music my a***. The woman's an out and out sadist.
These adults are signing up to years of mental torture with the very real possibility of substantial hearing loss. They are noble, misguided, and very, very brave. So let's all wish them success and, if they live within earshot, a speedy relocation to another, distant, part of the country.
PS: I played the violin for years, despite frequent, often desperate efforts to get me to stop. I was known, unaffectionately, as 'The earsore' by my loved ones. And this was after I'd passed all my Associated Board exams. And got a teacher's diploma. Just a thought.
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19 comments:
I feel doubly righteous then as I suffered with Q through the clarinet and the violin!
Lady M: You are a living saint and should be venerated. And does Q still treat you to a selection of her favourite pieces of an evening? The statistics say otherwise, but I could be wrong.
Oh dear!
I used to play the recorder at school. There was a group of four of us who used to pay the descant to hymns in assembly. It must have sounded like a cat being castrated without an anaesthetic. We thought we sounded brilliant!
I was once listening to the Archers. David and Ruth were having an argument and in the background there was the tortured scraping of a child playing the violin. "That is so unrealistic", I thought. "The BBC sound effects department were obviously having a laugh that day. It never sounds THAT bad." Then the signature tune (da da da da da da daa)came and went. But the violin scraping continued. It was my own son. This is a true story.
Yes, the violin must certainly be the worst instrument for your kids to learn to play. Apart from the drums. And the trumpet.
around my kitchen table: You probably sounded just fine. I'm totally pro children learning instruments. I just think parents ought to think twice before they encourage them.
iota: That is a gorgeous story. I love it. Is he still playing or did he give up?
alda: I dunno. there's something about that high register that I still reckon puts the violin (and descant recorder) into prime position for horror.
I like Iota's story too. I only got to grade 5. My sister passed grade 8. Fortunately most children can't wait to stop I'd have thought. (I certainly couldn't.)
SAHD: Despite a post to the contrary, I think that's rather a shame. (That you gave up, I mean, not that you played).
Ooooh dear....we've only been inflicted by a guitar so far (and N2S is quite good...and has the loft room!)N1 and N3 are not interested in learning to play musical instruments at al and we are gratful for small favours esp. after reading this post!
Omigod, how I remember all that! With us it was cello, clarinet and tenor horn.....
More or less simultaneously too, as I recall . How ever do you think we survived?
None of our musicians went on to higher musical things alas. And I believe the clarinet was broken in half in the end - having been used as a weapon by one sibling on another's head!
Happy happy days, eh?
omega mum, think of the upside, the international travel, the glossy magazine interivews about your gifted offspring's fabulous musical career, dropping round to Verity sharp's house for coffee...or failing all that the chance to pimp on their busking earnings from outside Macdonalds
Give it a year. If there's no sign of any particular interest/talent, stop right there. Anything else is pure sadism. If they are really interested, they will make sure they learn later on, and, let's face it, so few will ever make it as musicians. Sorry to seem negative, but as the recipient of six years of piano lessons, which no visible results, I am a little disenchanted.
Having said this, one son did get to grade 8 piano, taught himself to play the guitar, beautifully, and is hot on the keyboard, but he WANTED to do it. The others didn't. Don't flog it.
I sent you a comment OM - and with considerable trauma associated with the word verification at that!
But it seems to have been lost - shall try to remember what it was, and re-post...
Just wanted you to know I had visited, and tried.
IBx2: See - I did get your comments. Just took a while to post them. Sorry. Loved the broken clarinet, too. Hope it was insured.
rilly super: OMG. Can't wait. And my own composition 'Ode to a Performance Royalties cheque....'
Marianne: You don't teach music, by any chance? I think my gripe is probably with parents pushing children who don't really want to do it. How lovely for your son who obviously did and was allowed to get on and do it.
I'm glad you like the story. It has a happy ending. Aged 10, he is still playing, and is now rather tuneful and good. They have to get past the nervous scraping stage, to the confident playing-with-attack that the violin requires. I don't think there's a short cut (apart from a good teacher).
A friend of mine had a brother who started the euphonium (like a tuba, but bigger, I believe). Imagine how her parents felt.
Iota: I'm a sucker for a happy ending. That's very, very nice.
My friend, whose son plays, calls it the 'vile din'. Says it all, really!
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