String 'em up.

Each year, thousands of parents deliberately encourage small children to pick up a flimsy construction of two thin layers of wood joined together with glue and more wood and held with just one hand. On it are four pieces of wire, each tightened to high tension levels, capable of giving way at any moment.

As if that weren't enough to contend with, they then stuff a sharpened stick into the child's other hand and encourage him (or her) to move it to and fro, business end just at face level. (Style editor's note: Why not add a real eyeball to the ensemble for added fun and authenticity?)

There's a screw which, if turned in the wrong direction, deposits a load of horsehair spectacularly on to the floor, causing tears and necessitating expert assistance in putting matters right. And just for giggles, there's a disc of resin capable of coating child, adult and pets in a layer of fine, sticky dust.

In any other circumstances you'd keep something like this under lock and key. But no.

Anyone can operate a violin, despite the obvious danger, mess and inconvenience. And that's before you put stick to wire and try to produce a noise.

As the holidays finally drag into their closing stages, spare a thought for the thousands of parents about to sacrifice themselves on the altar of St Cecilia. God of music my a***. The woman's an out and out sadist.

These adults are signing up to years of mental torture with the very real possibility of substantial hearing loss. They are noble, misguided, and very, very brave. So let's all wish them success and, if they live within earshot, a speedy relocation to another, distant, part of the country.

PS: I played the violin for years, despite frequent, often desperate efforts to get me to stop. I was known, unaffectionately, as 'The earsore' by my loved ones. And this was after I'd passed all my Associated Board exams. And got a teacher's diploma. Just a thought.