Tuesday 29 May 2007

Bad Lindy's bad hamster day

Bad Lindy rings me, sounding agitated. "I need help," she says. "We've lost a hamster."

"What do you want me to do?" I ask, surprised. Care and compassion may feature large on her job description, but Bad Lindy certainly didn't take her part-time job at the vet so she could transmit healing vibes to small rodents.

As a woman whose specialist interest is other people's husbands, Bad Lindy's main motivation is the short, white nurse's outfit she gets to wear and the opportunity to say caring things in a low voice to male pet owners while resting both breasts on the counter. If the men are moderately good-looking into the bargain, it takes only a diagnosis of an anal gland blockage - theirs or their pets - for Bad Lindy to be immediately on hand, ready and willing to soften the bad news with the offer of a nice cup of tea and an emergency lie down in her lap.

This time, unfortunately, the customer isn't a man. "This hamster died on us today," says Bad Lindy. "So we ring the owner, who's this woman, and I break the news. She takes it really well. And it's only a hamster, after all, so -"

It turns out that the owner has just called back, wanting to do the decent thing and bury the creature in the garden. Which would have been fine except that, without thinking twice, Bad Lindy has picked the hamster up by the ear and slung him in the bin. Several rubbish bags down the line, she hasn't a clue which one he's in.

"Can't you just get another hamster and swap them, instead?"

"What, go out and buy up all the local stock and then kill them off till I find one that matches? I don't think so."

She has a point. Adding 'Psycho hamster killer,' to her already tarnished reputation is probably not a good career move.

"I didn't think you were allowed to put hamsters in with the rubbish. Aren't they hazardous material, or something?"

"Well, it's not going to bloody well bite anyone now, is it?" she says, indignantly. I give up.

"What do you want me to do?" I ask, resignedly.

"Help me find the thing, of course," she says. "I can't tell my boss I've lost it. I've been in his bad books ever since the police turned up in the surgery and virtually accused me of being behind the tortoise heist down the road - and this would be the final straw. Look, we're shut, now, and he's gone home. Please come over."

I do, though reluctantly.

Half an hour and three unpleasant bags of rubbish later, we discover the hamster, yellow teeth portruding pathetically from a pile of paper. "His last nest," says Bad Lindy, portentiously, as she pulls him out. "Oh, God," she adds, a second later, "He's got felt tip all over him. Must have been the pen without a lid I chucked out at the same time. What are we going to do?"

A further half hour later, the hamster has been washed, soaped, and blow dried - though not, obviously, to within an inch of its life. Later, Bad Lindy hands the little blighter over, the owner looks closely at him. "What are those funny black marks on his fur?", she asks. Bad Lindy shrugs. "P'raps he was into tattoos?" I hear her mutter, under her breath.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

What a hoot! I want to be just like Bad Lindy when I grow up! Or maybbe I just want to have breasts i can rest on a counter!

I know I probably shouldn't ask, but what were those marks? Ok, no - don't tell - I probably can't handle the truth!

Omega Mum said...

Bad Lindy swears they were from the leaking pen she'd chucked - and if they weren't, I'm too scared to ask her, though I might one evening when I'm drunk,in the interests of research.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

Bad Lindy actually sounds fun. At least from this distance. I bet she's really popular on the bbq circuit. By the way, you can abbreviate my impossibly long identity or just call me Wakey

Omega Mum said...

She is fun, Wakey. And very popular on the bbq circuit. It's just the slight feeling of terror she induces.

Paige said...

What a horribly funny story. I like your style. Even if it does give me boob-envy.

By the way, how can you consider having three kids the same as having no job? lol

Omega Mum said...

Glad you liked it. Maybe blog title is a bit misleading - it's my husband who's minus the earning money job, which we're quite keen on being sorted out on account of the £££. I have a part time job and we share the child care (well, until he's back at work....)

I Beatrice said...

Oh my word, that was one shaggy hamster story! Great good fun though - and it's so much easier to replace a goldfish, isn't it? Or a live hamster, come to that!

I'm confused about your name by the way? Are you and Alpha Mum the same person? I'm not sure which one of you I've linked with. (Was meant to be you.)

debio said...

oh so very funny, omega mum. do men like boobs which can rest on the counter? I suppose they do - no hope for me then...

Omega Mum said...

Oh, thanks, IB and Debio. I'm Omega Mum - entirely welcome to that or 3kidsnojob.

I did wonder if you'd all think I made it up, but I promise it's true (with a few bits surgically enhanced). And you haven't heard about the frozen cat owned by the CIA yet - oh, boy.

Anonymous said...

I don't think I could have found the dead hamster in a rubbish bin for laughing. Did it not whiff a bit when you pulled it out? I lost a hamster in my piano when I was little, the school pet it was too.

Omega Mum said...

Don't get me wrong - I have a healthy respect for all the wonderful animate things around us - but isn't there something inherently risible about hamsters. No, Crystal J, it had died the same day - so we got it on the cusp, if you get my drift.

Alda said...

Hilarious! Thanks for the chuckle. :)

lady macleod said...

You've gone completely mad! Rooting in the rubbish for a dead hamster with a slatternly woman. Was it a slow day darling? Did you feel you needed some sort of punishment for that extra glass of wine? Will you do anything for an hilarious post? Because it is!

Omega Mum said...

There's something about Bad Lindy that makes it difficult to refuse her - probably because you're frightened she might take your partner away and hide him until you give in. And, yes, I did think that the hamster might make a good post. But I will never be able to atone for wine.

Anonymous said...

Excellent post.....and the poor hamster! I wonder if he's sitting up in Hamster Heaven, sitting on a cloud twanging a harp and wondering what the hell Bad Lindy was up to!

Gwen said...

What a funny post. Bad Lindy sounds incredibly scary though. How did such a person get a job in a vets or a job anywhere for that matter?

Omega Mum said...

Nunhead Mum - I should think hamster thrilled to be out of the way.
Gwen - If she approached you and asked for a job,wouldn't you be too scared not to give her one? I would.

Gwen said...

Mmm - you have a very good point there.