"I'm going to see a man about a spa bath," says Francis, as he prints out directions.
Like the rest of us, what Francis knows about spa baths could be writ large on a small,yellow duck. Ask him about the intricacies of making Easter eggs, biscuits, soup, cosmetics and, of course, microwave popcorn, and he can entertain a small crowd amusingly for several days.
He's not really your fixtures and fittings man, though. So it's a surprise when an excitable sounding man calls to say that Francis' cv shouts 'spa baths' at him. I suppose it's better than a cv yelling 'Help me, somebody, help me, I'm desperate.'
His company wants someone who can combine energy and intelligence with the ability to operate a mixer tap really, really fast. Francis could be just the person they're looking for.
In these days of new puritanism, a spa bath seems a run counter to every energy saving principle going, a leftover from the hedonistic lifestyle that I thought we were all supposed to be ditching.
The man in charge is called Mr Tosser. "Francis, are you sure?" I ask. "Well, no, but I couldn't really understand his accent and I didn't like to ask him to repeat it."
Mind you, it could be used to fix the company in the public memory: "Choose Mr Tosser's super spa bath. He always pulls it off."
Well, it's got to be better than my first attempt. 'If you want moving water in a bath, stir it with a stick.'
Maybe those spa baths have got something. Legionnaire's Disease, I shouldn't wonder.
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15 comments:
Do you suppose Mr Tosser gives out a free spa bath as a company perk? You could be sitting in one in no time, with a large glass of something cold and sparkly.
If Frances doesn't get the job, then you can create your very own jacuzzi by sitting in your normal bath, gulping the sparkly stuff quickly then sit back and wait for five minutes (or is that just me?).
Pull it off in A Tosser Spa Bath?
Satisfaction Guaranteed if you do it yourself?
Its one off the wrist! - its the Spa Bath You Missed
Wash Away the Evidence the Tosser Way!!
I shall link you on my blog Omega mum!!
Spa baths - hm. Are they the same as jacuzzis?
And how on earth did Francis address Mr Tosser when he first met him?
Drunk Mummy - just about to try - better abandon the floating candles as last time caused near fatality.
Mutley - Thanks for link - that's wonderful, also for tossing off those fab. ideas - will ask Francis to send them straight to HQ. See national press for details.
Nunhead - Honestly have no idea. Live in pleb land where just grateful for occasional hot water
Debio - Grateful thanks. For some reason comments moderator is insisting it's published your comment though it hasn't....v annoying
Oh goodness, Mr Tosser! That's so funny!
Whatever his name is, and even in the event he gives Francis a job, he will always be a Tosser to me. Whoops - think I've just exceeded my innuendo limit for 2007.
I've always wanted a spa bath, all those bubbles massaging those most deepest and darkest orifices can be quite theraputic.
:)
You do make me giggle!
LOL I think I shall stick with my stand up shower and turning quickly to get the shampoo. perhaps Francis should look into the hamman? He could start a whole new trend...
Having spent too much time yesterday morning scrubbing (ineffectually) away at mouldy grouting with a toothbrush, this post cheered me up no end. At least it stopped me from analysing why I was scrubbing away at mouldy grouting with a toothbrush, which is deeply worrying.
Wonderful, Omega Mum! I'm loving every word, and shall link with you just as soon as my visiting Mr Boffin has shown me how to do it (he's coming tomorrow, and I hope he won't turn out to be of the Tosser ilk.)
Meanwhile, I have at considerable length (far too considerable I fear!) tried to construct a 'story so far' section for you on my own page.
Mostly just for you, and I hope it suffices. Though what it probably amounts to most of all (I being the garrulous creature that the good lord made me) is more in the nature of a 'people so far' section...
Still, I hope it helps.
Again Omega Mum, an excellent and very funny post. I too, have added your blog to my links. I've always hankered after a spa bath but have never had a bathroom big enough for one. My current bathroom is so small that when you open the door it bangs off the wash hand basin and then you stub your toe on the bath. It's still my dream one day to get a spa bath though, just not from any firm run by a Mr Tosser.
mr tosser in a spa bath? sounds nasty. But I have to admit spa baths are really rather luxurious things to have (don't have one myself but have visited them). Hope you get one (the bath that is!).
So this is where everyone is!
Your blog has a touch of genius to it and I have been cackling at your adversity since arrival. But supportively.
Crystal - Got to be a way of getting orifices in somehow. More slogans needed, I reckon
M&M I fear Francis feels I'm not treating his job hunt with the gravitas it deserves
Lady M - thanks for the Hamman tip - I'll pass it straight on, though
Aphrodite - from experience, the mould is just attention seeking. Ignore it.
I Beatrice. How exciting. Popping over in a sec! And thanks for the link - will reciprocate
Gwen - thanks for the link. The only way we could manage a spa bath would be to move into it
Eden - Spa baths for everyone, says Mr Tosser (well, I'm sure he would if we ever met him).
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