A perfect day out

Forget Alton Towers or the British Museum. For a day out with a difference, follow Francis' example and head for your nearest spa bath factory for the chance to watch paint dry - literally for hours on end - or admire the spanking new fan extractor system which, in an interesting reversal of normal practice, gets rid of all that nasty oxygen, and ensures a nonstop supply of invigorating paint fumes to the workforce.

"And did you meet Mr Tosser and ask him to pass on your regards to Mrs Tosser and all the little Tossers?" I ask, breathlessly, when Francis returns. "There are times when I don't feel you're taking this seriously enough," he says, stiffly.

Mr Tosser, it turns out, has been noticeable by his absence. The interview is instead conducted by several frightfully nice chaps, all Church's shoes and Thomas Pink shirts, who seem baffled at finding themselves in the rough, tough world of moulded acrylic, where men are men - though, of course, spotlessly clean ones - rather than shaping up nicely as officer material in a crack cavalry regiment.

"So," they ask Francis at the end of the day. "Any ideas on where we're falling down?"

Francis points out that while the spa baths are tip top and Bristol fashion in every conceivable direction, there is the little matter of none of them actually leaving the factory. Ever. He suggests that the company might consider finding some customers and selling some spa baths to them, a radical notion that receives a rapturous reception from the assembled workforce.

But it's not as easy as it sounds. One of the directors takes Francis aside to break the news. "Some of our customers actually wear earrings," he says. "And drive 4 x 4s," he adds, in a lower voice. "You do realise that the job would involve talking to them - probably even going to see them?"

Francis explains that he's had considerable experience of this sort of unpleasantness already. "I say," says one of the directors, looking closely at Francis. "Surely -you've had one of your ears pierced yourself."

Silence falls. "And, could I just ask about Mr Tosser?" asks Francis, desperate to change the subject. There are baffled looks all round. "We'll get back to you," they say.

When he's nearly home, the new Community Assocation Chairman, who has expressed an interest in getting to know the locals, gets off to a cracking start by driving into the back of his car. It's the perfect end to a perfect day. That is, if you like spa baths.