A mania for decoration

Teaching duties over for another week, I drive back from assembly (hymn: 'Lord of the dance'; theme: helpfulness; number of non-stop nose-pickers - one), but instead of accelerating so fast that I burn my carbon footprint into the tarmac in my desire to get back to a house that's overwhelmingly full of Francis, I decide to go to see Vicky, the demon texter, instead.

Vicky was something big in the City - she reckons a 36DD - but giving birth to a brace of top centile breast gorgers soon put paid to that. Now she's something much smaller in the suburbs.

There's always something going on in her house, and today it's Dave the decorator, all round top plasterer, painter and manic depressive.

Dave has slicked-back hair, low-slung jeans and an almost palpable air of barely repressed violence. He is just packing the final brush away when he lets me in. It's noon, early for happy hour by any standards. "What happened this time," I hiss at Vicky. "He sent me a text saying, 'Am pissed off, c u Tues,' Vicky hisses back. "I asked him why and he sent me another one saying 'Am having mania day. Have 2 leave 4 ure own safety.' "

We inspect the rooms he's finished. They look absolutely beautiful, with the exception of a six inch slash right in the middle of one of the bedroom carpets. "Oh, yes," says Vicky. "It was just after he told me my choice of paint colours was all wrong. Then he grabbed the stanley knife and muttered, 'Get out.' So the children and I waited downstairs and played cheerful music very loudly to calm him down. And when I asked him about the slashed carpet, he said, 'Sorry. It's just that your house depresses me'. But I can really recommend him," she says, quite seriously. "Of course, you have to catch him during a manic phase, because he says he works twice as hard as normal. But at least he hasn't got a waiting list."

I can't think why. "It's tempting," I say, "But I think I've probably got enough to deal with at the moment. And we don't really have the money for a decorator, even a manic depressive one."