Housekeeping tips with Bad Lindy

If Vicky has her finger on the social pulse, Bad Lindy is a walking defibrillator. We've all spent time with a Bad Lindy. They're standard issue at school, the 'there but for the grace of God' bad lot element that your parents warned you about - the girls who know what's what, years before anybody else realises there's a 'what' to know anything about.

They disappear after school - sometimes expelled, occasionally pregnant. Then you reach adulthood and suddenly there's a Bad Lindy in your life again. Bad Lindys know things about your neighbourhood that somehow never make into the dear little Mum 'n' toddler guides - like where to find the local brothel (in our case, up the stairs from the bike shop), or where the swingers hang out (and we're not talking playgrounds).

Our Bad Lindy adds a whiff of danger to every social occasion. She loves to shock, removing her top on every possible occasion, and some impossible ones, too. She's the thing waiting to happen that makes every other woman in the room reach for her own husband and hang on for dear life.

Once you've sewn a movement detector to your husband's trousers you can relax and enjoy Lindy's refusal to take herself, anyone else, or their marriages, too seriously, especially as she has made it her mission to distract me from Francis's predicament. So far, she's doing a pretty good job.

"Window cleaner here," is her latest text. "Called Darren. Have put on 'Soap & Glory,' sexy mother pucker lip gloss. Says on wrapper lip size crucial 4 sexual attraction'. am waiting 4my lips 2 expand 10 x- thats wot it says on box! and then i will pay the f*er motherpucker!x"

I leave it an hour, bursting with curiosity, before I call her. "So what happened?" I ask, breathlessly. "He knocks on the front door to tell me he's finished the windows." says Bad Lindy, "I ask how much and he looks up and says, 'What's your situation? Are you married - because I really want to take you out?'"
"No," I say, enthralled. "Yes," says Bad Lindy. "So I say, it's quite difficult, now. And he says, 'I'm hoping to see you very soon. And there's no charge for the windows.'"

So forget 'How clean is your house?' Instead, follow the first in the series of Bad Lindy's housekeeping tips of the week:
To give your windows a deep down shine that really lasts, absolutely free, add Soap and Glory mother pucker lip gloss to your slap. You'll see a difference within minutes.