Two exasperated new posters near the Year 2 classroom ambush me as I pass.
The first, "WE HAVE TWO HANDS TO HELP US LEARN THE TWO TIMES TABLE," is followed, two steps later by, "WE HAVE TEN FINGERS AND THUMBS TO HELP US LEARN THE TWO TIMES TABLE."
I look, without success, for a third poster which, if I read the rising mood of irritation correctly should read, "SO FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHY CAN'T YOU BLOODY WELL LEARN IT?" but it has yet to be added.
The mood of exasperation is echoed elsewhere in the school.
"Mrs Philistine is going to look after the children who are trying hard because I'm a little bit busy getting a little bit cross," says the Year 1 teacher, as I wait to take her class into music.
She is propelling 5 year olds across the floor like skittles in her desperate attempts to choreograph the class into an approximation of a Christmas tree shape, the finale to the song which they will be performing later this week at the carol service - the final event of the term.
Soon, with only a minimum of shouting and child hurling, she has achieved a series of graduated rows, smallest children at the front crouched into root-balls, tallest, at the back, standing precariously on tippy-toes with hands held high.
She heaves a sigh of relief, turns away from them to demonstrate the final pirouette and takes an unplanned step backwards, treading on much of the first row which falls backwards in surprise, bringing down the rest like dominoes.
They say Christmas comes only once a year. Not in this neck of the woods. For an aetheist, I'm spending an awful lot of my waking hours with Little Lord Jesus, and it's hard to believe that the experience is doing either of us much good.
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9 comments:
OM, classic. Have probably said it before, but I wouldn't have your job for all the tea in China. Oh yes, that's right. I don't have a job...
Potty M: Actually, it's quite fun in bits. And think how much good material I get out of it.
Really funny OM and so well written.
I don't know how you do it either.I'm exhausted just helping on school trips!
But I do love the techniques they use in class - in my kid's school they have smiley faces/sad faces (should have cross faces I think) and traffic lights for the naughty ones. I remember my daughter coming home saying that Christopher had got a red light for peeing in the drinking fountain. I should think so too.
No wonder they're struggling with their tables, if she's telling them they have 10 fingers and thumbs. It's 8 fingers and 2 thumbs. Sorry. Pedantic.
You do seem to have an awful lot of Christmas events - isn't the hall big enough to allow you to do one for everyone together? I think the Good Lord might be enjoying it all in your company more than you think. I've always sensed an ironic twist to his sense of humour (don't ask me to justify this statement).
I hope the parents appreciate all the hard work that goes into these performances - and I hope they recognise the anarchic troupe of five year old monkeys is actually supposed to represent a large conifer. Fingers crossed.
Mya x
Children are so clever though aren't they. I'm sure they will know exactly what they are doing, they are just testing you all.
Crystal xx
This is probably totally irrelevant, and can't think why I'm sending it..... but this post of yours somehow put me in mind of a poster that appeared on the Nurses' Home notice-board in NZ, years and years ago....
"Nurse so-and-so has a good fountain pen for sale: price £5" read the first notice, with a sketch of the pen in question. After which, on several successive days another notice appeared, reducing the price of the pen by a pound each time..
Finally, an enraged new notice appeared, penned by someone else, and reading:
"Nurse So-and-so will pay someone five pounds to take the bloody thing away!"
As I said, I can't quite think why I felt impelled to send you that - except that there was something about your school posters which brought it back to me....
Lol!!!
mid-lifer: I don't do it, I don't have it all. The only reason I keep going is that if I stop, I immediately start thinking about the futility of life and get depressed, so there's no option.
iota: I'll pass on your comments at the next staff meeting - I'm sure they'll go down well.
mya: The parents? They don't have a clue. On a good day the other teachers appreciate you but it's a rare moment that you get any more from a parent than, 'Do you work here?' which happens fairly frequently.
CJ: As I've said before, you're a lovely person. Please take my children.
IB: I think it's entirely germaine and very enjoyable. Thank you. You have packed a lot in to your life, haven't you? I'm getting a cross between Mary Renault and Joyce Grenfell here, though quite clearly edited, revised, and better looking.
Casdok: Glad you enjoyed it.
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