A word from the chairman

I think I may have solved the housing crisis. I heard a woman complaining on the radio that clothes are 'too cheap'. "You can get a T-shirt for the price of a coffee," she said, indignantly. Admittedly, she sounded like the sort of person whose idea of slumming it was to order her grand latte macchiato mocha without the 35p soya milk supplement (why do coffees increasingly sound like cars?) but, still, she had a point. I think.

No wonder first time buyers can't afford houses - they're frittering away all their precious deposit money on cheap clothing.

So the obvious solution is for Primark to build houses. On the plus side, they'd be ludicrously cheap and much larger than they claimed in the particulars. The only problems would be over-supply and refunds - every morning, there'd be piles of houses stacked up at the end of roads, returned because the conservatory looked much nicer in the showhome than it did on. Plus the front door colours would always be two shades short of a migraine. And the kitchen floor would shrink when you washed it.

Worth a try, though, I reckon.

I also read about a parenting guru who felt that we should be bringing a corporate management style to family life. She'd come up with the ultimate board game - weekly family meetings complete with an agenda, chairperson and, presumably, minutes.

You can imagine the impact if it takes off: "Trevor and Amanda are proud to announce the arrival of their very own little sub-committee."

And given that a fully realised corporate life can be a thing of beauty and balance, that's just the beginning. With just a little practice, none of us need make sense ever again.

Dear Family,

Whether you have been in a member of this family for five years or fourteen, you will be aware that it moves and evolves rapildy.

The family is far different from the one I joined in 1993. It is now five times bigger than each of each of the inviduals who founded it.

We have strengthened our team with three major new players. Beth, who is in overall charge of negotiation and freedom fighting; Leo who has coordinated sports development and Deborah, who has recently been promoted to head the very busy screaming and whinge division.

I am proud of what I, and you, have achieved over the years and look forward to spearheading more exciting developments in the immediate and long-term future, spanning everything from a successfully negotiated bedtime this evening to Deborah's party later in the year.

We have faced challenges along the way and have tried, but mainly failed, to overcome them as a team, preferring instead to adopt the 'You don't care if I die', 'I'm going to my room,' 'shut up, I'm busy,' or 'If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times - now forget it,' approaches that have sustained us through many a difficult time.

In conclusion, may I wish you all good luck, good health, and don't forget the fish and chips this evening

All the best

Your chairperson