Asset management

Another concerned stranger, Deandra, e-mails to tell Francis and just a few million others, hand-selected by the very latest in spam technology, that she has the solution to his problems. Does he realise, she wants to know, that 'the only thing stopping you from a great job was a few letters behind your name'.

"And I bet I know what they are. 'C***' ," says Vicky, who has stopped by to trade four letter insults and share her latest underwear texts.

Her hand-me-down conquest has dropped the pants and, instead, is texting close ups of his assets on the assumption that his previous pictures will by now have reduced her to a quivering mass of nerve endings and animal instincts.

He's doomed to disappointment. Harsh lighting and limited angles has turned his bits into something that's less girl's dream than a cross between dog's giblet dinner and something off a spot the flasher set of police identification snaps.

"The left profile's not bad," says Vicky. "How do you think he photographed them, anyway?"

We can't help wondering whether Bad Lindy had a hand in it somewhere, though quite how literally is anyone's guess.

Vicky's other texts are from Dave, who, for a change, has decided to try being depressed in France. Apparently there's a sale of sharp, scary-looking knives and prices have - inevitably - been slashed. He is now wandering round the streets of Calais in the rain, sunk in misery, so well tooled up that he does an impromptu impersonation of Johnny Scissorhands everytime he reaches into his pocket for a tissue to wipe his streaming face.

"Bored shitless," is the latest message. "Am going to get drunk, catch an earlier ferry and come straight round to carry on with the decorating in your house."

"So what's he decorating?" I ask Vicky.

"That's the trouble," says Vicky. "I haven't booked him. So God knows what he's planning to do. Still, " she says, "I suppose I could always forward the giblets to him and ask how much he'd charge for some instant cosmetic reshaping - with a Stanley knife. That should give him something to think about."