Despite best quality government advice, distributed via subliminal messages during 'You and Yours' on Radio 4, the middle classes are persisting with their wanton alcohol consumption to the point of being flagrantly inebriated and even slightly giggly in the comfort of their own homes.
But there's worse to come. They're criminals, too. A report, delivered in hushed tones on the BBC this morning spoke of people with unmistakable long vowel sounds avoiding VAT by paying builders in cash (gasp!); being deliberately misleading with insurance claims (horrors!) and defrauding punters by being a teeny bit economical with the truth when they flog their hand me down tat at car boot sales.
It's come as a terrible shock. Society as we know it is truly on the way out. And I feel for those poor but honest builders desperate to ensure that the lovely people at Customs and Excise get their fair share of our loot - "Look, Gov, we both know that your VAT will go into giving those MPs the pension hikes they deserve. Now come on, pay up. Oh, thinking about our lovely country suffering because of that missing tax has made me all emotional. Pass me that rag, Jim, I'm welling up again."
It's all too much. I'm going to have a nice lie down with my copy of 'Scam weekly,' and a bottle of gin.
Next week: Unborn middle-class babies told to shop parents before birth or face lifetime's retraining as salt of the earth working folk whose only crime is wilful cheerfulness in the face of grinding poverty and deprivation. Special offer on clogs.
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21 comments:
"You and Yours" was always very 'right on'! Seems it hasn't changed much?!
Hi, Debio. I guess that's why it's been so widely parodied...It's ripe for the picking.
Quite. And they wonder why people drink.
I'm using my clogs to block my ears. The music isn't as good as the iPod but at least you don't have to listen to the BBC
We're all crooks this days. Begging to be able to pay cash and having some shaven headed builder with a porsche (not a porch, a porsche I tell you. Silver) tell me "just this once love, cos it's you".
When bending over backwards, I always think of a sketch on Not The Nine OClock News (I was a child, watched it from the pram) of Pamela Stevenson as a bank teller. Customer asks if he can pay by American Express. Pammy rips open her brinylon shirt and replies "that'll do nicely, and would you like to rub my t*ts too?"
Devon Life: How true. And what a youthful prodigy you must have been, too. It's amazing how formative those early pram TV viewings were.......
I know someone... who funded many a foreign holiday on fraudulent insurance claims.
"You and Yours" should never have been extended to an hour. Too much of a good thing.
I too get subliminal messages when listening to 'You and Yours.' I find that I start to feel the urgent need to find some wet paint, and watch it dry.
If the Governemnt didn't have so many ways to surreptiously part us from our cash, perhaps we wouldn't feel the need to be crooks. I know who I think the crooks are ...
Is it an hour? Just shoots by...
Sorry, off topic, but I was listening to File on 4 last night and the theme tune took me back to Spangles, Brutalism and Nationwide. What is that music?
Drunk Mummy and SAHD: Just tell me whether there's a safe Radio 4 limit. I did wonder who the hard core listeners were. Now we just need a support group to wean us off it again. It's going to be a long haul, I fear.
M&M: I think you tap into a deep vein (is that the right use of words) of feeling shared by a great many people, not all Radio 4 listeners, either. Imagine!
I can't stay, I must go out for sackcloth and ashes..
uh, those are tax free right?
And on top of all that we now have Gordon! How did he get there without any consultations on our part, that's what I want to know?
And what are we to make of him - I mean, can he really be so good as he says he is? And how do you think he'll get on with HM Queen...?
Truly, these are deeply worrying times....
Wait till you start smoking on July 1st.... Then YOU WILL ALL BE CRIMINALS mwa ha mwa ha ha... (maniacal laugh)....
Seriously though... Mwa ha ha Mwa ha ha ha ha......
Lady M: Ashes now deamed illegal as offshoots from tobacco industry - sackcloth fine as long not made with narcotic type hemp or you're in the slammer on both counts (Oh dear - you can tell I've been at the police blogs again).
IB: I think queen and brown should be fine - both great penny pinchers.
I fear that Gordon Brown might ban spending altogether in case someone tips over the edge and buys something frivolous which of course would never do. Bad Lindy might have to start searching on the Black Market for Motherpucker lipgloss as the only money we will be allowed to spend will go to the Government. Have you noticed that Gordon Brown doesn't look anyone straight in the eye? Not a good sign.
The clogs could come in useful for sabotage - perhaps of R4 transmitters. They might help us put a stop to that wilful cheerfulness. Then again, maybe the modern equivalent is crocs. Workers in the dark satanic mills would have been wearing multi-coloured crocs if they'd been alive today. Have never been able to cope with R4 - sorry, know I ought to, but find it tedious. There, another job avenue closes for me....
Clogs or crocs - take your pick. Either would work just as well for a spot of industrial sabotage. Crocs would have lightened up the mood in those dark satanic mills. Perhaps also useful for attacking your friend's computer that you mention in most recent posting.
I am trying to be free of R4. There must be some sort of help group. Perhaps you should register title with 'Baby at large' (Good book title too, incidentally....)
You all need to listen to Ken Bruce on R2 and play Popmaster.
Much more fun!
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