Sunday 17 June 2007

Bad Lindy's party favours

Frances, rendered miserable by another rejection, has opted for an evening pacing up and down in front of the tv and refusing to be braced by logic, optimism or alcohol. "All anyone will want to talk about is work, especially the men," he says. I know I should stay with him, radiating love and kind words, but stocks are running low, so - yes, selfishly - I decide to go to the party and beam positive thoughts telepathically to him at intervals from the cricket club where it's being held.

When I arrive, the room resembles a before scene from 'one man and his dog'. Half a dozen guests are corralled at one end and Bad Lindy is on her own at the other, throwing peanuts in the air and keeping count of how many end up down her cleavage.

"I didn't know you were that friendly with Andy and Karen," I say. She leers at me. "I'm not," she says. 'Fifty five, fifty six. Whoops. Sixty. The dry-roasted ones just fall out of your mouth, don't they?"

Bad Lindy party etiquette is always a tricky issue, akin to the Bad Fairy scene at the beginnning of Sleeping Beauty. Invite her, and she'll turn up, drink all the drink, insult the women and then end with a virtuoso display of man rustling. Don't invite her and she'll turn up, drink all the drink, insult the women, take a man into the Ladies as hostage then then disappear into the darkness with another one tucked under her arm for later, like a late night kebab.

Seeing Bad Lindy neutralised by another woman, some of the guests advance closer, like timid woodland animals. Half an hour later, Bad Lindy has them eating out of her hand. More accurately, she has a small crowd of men all trying to help her get those troublesome peanuts out of her cleavage again. Her top is still on, but the men and, judging by her desperate looks, the hostess, all know that it's only a matter of time before a particularly hard to reach peanut necessitates its removal.

"How's Francis?" says a voice beside me. It's Lionel, who is something boring in the City. I explain, briefly. "I'd love to be made redundant," he says. I look at him incredulously. "No, really," he says. "With all that time on my hands, I could do wonders for my golf handicap." He has the smug look of somebody who knows that, boring and highly paid as he is, Francis' situation is one he'll never experience.

I am consumed by rage. "Excuse me for a moment," I say. I go over to Bad Lindy. "Lionel was just talking to me about you," I say. "Reading between the lines, I think he's very attracted."

Bad Lindy's eyes light up, Terminator style. She stands up, men and peanuts dropping off her in all directions. The next thing I hear is a small, surprised squeak as Lionel, smug expression and all, is engulfed by Bad Lindy's embonpoint.

As he is dragged into a corner, wife too stunned to work out a rescue plan, I raise a glass to Francis and all the other sad bastards out there. Cheers, the lot of you.

15 comments:

debio said...

And, my God, there are more than a few sad bastards out there. I simply loathe smugness.
What goes round comes round, omega mum - I'll raise a glass to you this evening!

Stay at home dad said...

Cheers!

Omega Mum said...

I'm on my second already, and the sun hasn't even got within sight of the yardarm. Cheers, back, Debio and Stay at home Dad.

merry weather said...

Lionels and Lindys, they do abound yes, very pleasing thoughts here Omega Mum - I'll think of you as the Neutraliser henceforth - !

Alda said...

Heheh. Well, he asked for it, didn't he? Boring men in the City always fall prey to the Bad Lindy's of the world, sooner or later.

There. That's my Sweeping Generalization for the day.

Omega Mum said...

Alda. Do they? Oh, I do so hope you're right. I want to be there, sweeping them towards her with a giant broom.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if Bad Lindy gives lessons...?

Omega Mum said...

Snuffles: I'm sure she does. And I'm sure it goes a long way, too....

Chris at 'Chrissie's Kitchen' said...

Marvellous! l do just love your v. funny descriptions of Bad Lindy. Have you made her up? Or just (a tad?) embellished her?

Omega Mum said...

Hi, Lizzie. Let's just say she's surgically enhanced........

wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

You're evil -- and I love it. Lionel deserves Bad Lindy. Feed him to the lions!

Anonymous said...

Sounds to me as if Bad Lindy is just misunderstood and gets a bit of bad press ( mainly on this blog ).

Kev

Omega Mum said...

Kev: I definitely admire Bad Lindy. I'm just scared of her......

Anonymous said...

as a lindy whose blogging id is whoops a friend directed me to this page...omg i am not bad lindy at all honest i am good lindy and i would add that i have never been able to eat peanuts in that way!!! thanks for the giggle tho...

Omega Mum said...

Whoops Lindy: Please don't take it personally. I know lots of good Lindys, too. It's just that this one happens to be an exception. Thank you so much for being brave enough to take a look!