Wednesday 6 June 2007

Men will drool

Bad Lindy's precious gift of a man has been averted, at least in my case, and with Dave the decorator building Vicky's garden shed very, very slowly - he's depressed this week - she does, at least, have some protection. No man, however keen, will want to risk Dave and his Stanley knife.

This worry out of the way, I am able to concentrate on the invitation we've just received. 'Dress: glam,' it says.

It's such a shame. Here I am, well versed in looking raddled, desperate, hungover or tired separately or together, all at the drop of a pelvic floor, yet people will insist on opting for the hope over experience route. I give it my best shot, though, and after some intensive work, assemble a dazzling range of looks to enchant my fellow party-goers.

Look 1:
With blusher and free range eyebrows that are bursting out in every direction to celebrate the arrival of Spring
Effect: woman embarrassed to discover that she's been attacked by a pair of long-haired woodlice.

Look 2:
With blusher and plucked eyebrows.
Effect: Woman who can now see how old she is and is very, very surprised

Look 3:
With eye liner.
Effect: Surprised woman with very small eyes

Look 4:
With mascara.
Effect: Woman who has replaced woodlice with a pack of spiders to block out view of the mirror

Look 5
With lipstick.
Woman who, thanks to the mascara, cannot see to apply lipstick, and simply looks drunk

Look 6:
With more lipstick.
Ageing woman who is trying to catch up with her lips as they slide down her face in a bid to escape from face forever and find a new home on a younger, fresher complexion

Look 7:
With all of the above and the addition of alcohol.
Ageing woman who no longer knows what she looks like. And doesn't give a damn.

I suppose I could always slather myself in Motherpucker lip gloss and go as a gigantic pout.

Men will drool.....in terror.

23 comments:

Gwen said...

I think the alcohol sounds like the best bet. That is also the option I would go for as I just don't do dazzling and sophisticated I'm afraid.

Omega Mum said...

I think alcohol is my only option too, Gwen.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure you'll look at million dollors and "Look 2" will be a pleasant surprise. However, a quick 'down in one' might help also!

debio said...

The sight of men drooling is particularly unappealing - is applicable only to babies and geriatrics.

Any function or costume which encourages this should be banned.

Maybe drooling has already been banned in UK though, along with freedom of speech and adequately sized parking spaces - but perhaps that type of ban is too sensible.

Love the make-up list, omega mum.

Omega Mum said...

Thanks for the cheering comment, CJ. Debio - you are so right. 'Say no to drooling,' must be our (slightly damp) banner from now on! On my way over for hurricane news!!

wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

LOL, Omega Mum. I always include alchol in my makeup regime. And I always look fabulous for it (at least I think so).

Frog in the Field said...

Glamorous, surely, is not wearing wellies?
Omega Mum..fantastic make-up descriptions!
After a particularly s--t day (swearing in my foul but lady like way), you made me laugh out loud. My children rushed to read your blog but thought it too silly for words..Mummy why did the lady put two woodlice on her head, I mean what's the point of that?
I feel refreshed, I can face the ignorant idiots (local council) that have cancelled my tenants rent after all!
By the way, have a goog time at the do, oops I mean good. And don't forget one should always, always drink while getting ready, how else does one ensure a healthy glow without blusher?

Omega Mum said...

Glad you liked it, Frog in the Field, and thanks for coming over. Ah, the innocence of childhood with its maintenance-free eyebrows. They'll find out one day.

Chris at 'Chrissie's Kitchen' said...

Gosh, just all of you wait!

(Manic Jack Nicholson smile here.)

Omega Mum said...

Nice to see you here, Lizzie. Though your comment is making me feel...a little apprehensive, perhaps?

lady macleod said...

#7, most certainly. LOL list.

I love the "pelvic drop" comment..

Anonymous said...

Invitations with dress codes smite my poor little heart with horror. Just as well I never get any.

I rather like the sound of free range eyebrows. Just make sure they don't decide to lay eggs when you're all dolled up and ready to roll.

I say, have fun, be yourself and with luck you won't remember any of it the next morning.

Omega Mum said...

Glad you liked it, Lady M. Just topping up alcohol now.

Omega Mum said...

I'm rather taken with the idea of dear little egg-laying eyebrows, Orchidea - and I think texting a picture to any of Bad Lindy's escorts would probably prove interesting......

dulwichmum said...

I love the description of the spider eye lashes. I wear mine every day.

Have you seen eye lash extensions? James never notices, but I think they look "stunning".

DM

Mutterings and Meanderings said...

Another vote for look 7. You go, girl, I'm sure you're gorgeous!

Omega Mum said...

Dulwich Mum - Eyelash extensions could be the way forward - or, in my case, very much backward. Or even sideways. But I will check them out.
M&M Thank you for your optimism. I will try to live up to it.

Drunk Mummy said...

Choose Look Number 7 every time - helps create your own reality (or self-delusion, call it what you will).

Brillig said...

"all at the drop of a pelvic floor" Hahahahahahaha. Oh, I understand these feelings SO WELL!! Still, I'm sure you'll look gorgeous!

Omega Mum said...

Drunk Mumm - Right, number 7 it is. I wish you were all coming, too.
Brillig: Nice to see you over here. Gorgeous, but too drunk to care if not, here I come....

Motheratlarge said...

A glass or two of Chablis can trick a girl. Alcohol makes me feel beautiful, then when I go to the loo I see someone in the mirror with a big, shiny, red face. Mind you, it doesn't stop me taking that route...

Anonymous said...

Thankfully, so long as the alcohol consumed by male and female is kept in (almost) equal balance, the drooling men will see only a vision of loveliness...

Omega Mum said...

Tom: That's made me feel so much better. How early are you allowed to start handing out the bottles?