Get ahead - get an enemy

Do you have friend overkill? Think about it. The reason we like friends is because they don't challenge our comfortable way of life. Instead, they cocoon our already woolly thinking, support our fragile egos, justify our false logic and sustain our prejudices.

Appalling over-simplification? I think not. How many of us have paid lip service to the remarkable qualities of the robust acquaintance who tells us exactly what she thinks of our morals, parenting skills or dress sense, knowing full well that two dinner parties later she’ll be quietly dropped in favour of somebody with the less challenging but more socially acceptable ability to white-lie for her country and who, if you announced that you’d deliberately just run down your husband would come up with 20 extenuating circumstances and a couple of alibis before you’d even finished wiping the blood off the bumper.

It's always nice to cuddle up with the Apologistas, their opinions as comfortable and familiar as the contours of an old sofa. “Too many people rush round like puppies wanting everyone to love them,” says one woman of my acquaintance. “You only really grow into yourself when you stop." Her solution? Attain that sought after maturity by acquiring a few enemies. "Where I come from, if you don’t like someone, you tell them,” she says.

In my view, enemies are essential. And I should know. I've got so many I could run a profitable business renting them out for weekends.

But while most men will accept with equanimity the idea that there are some people out there who can't stand them, many women shy away in horror from the notion.

Rationally, though, enemies offer a whole host of benefits. For a start, they keep you on your toes. There’s certainly no room for post-natal porridge thinking when you know somebody’s out to get you.

Find good quality enemies and you’ll spend hours analysing their characters and weaknesses in a way that is positively beneficial to the child-enfeebled brain. And, flatteringly in a perverse sort of way, you know they’ll be doing just the same for you.

The other good news is you don't need to be rich, famous or a character in an Agatha Christie murder mystery to have enemies. There are enough to go round for everyone.

And unless they hate you with sufficient venom to declare you bankrupt or root through your bins to steal your identity, enemies can provide a cost effective and engrossing hobby, offering an emotional workout equivalent to many hours of expensive therapy.

So if you’re now convinced you’d like some enemies, the next problem is where to find them, especially if you’re really, really nice and loved by old and young alike. No problem, particularly if you have children. In their innocent, charming way, kids can start an old-Testament length blood feud with just a few, well-chosen words.

I managed a six-month feud with one woman simply on the strength of my children telling hers, within earshot, that they hated them and planned to beat them to a pulp.

Another mother - Rebecca - invited an unremarkable school gate acquaintance on a long weekend, camping in the woods. The friend did not take well to the lack of routine and became increasingly tight-lipped, blaming Rebecca, initially under her breath, for introducing her children to the louche camping lifestyle of unchanged clothes, unchecked freedom and unenforced bedtimes.

On the final morning, she snapped, and a minor dispute over ownership of the maple syrup escalated into a full scale assault on Rebecca's parenting skills, or the lack of them.

A year on, and Rebecca, who still has to see her every day at the school, has come up with a cunning psychological ploy - creating conflict between the mother and her son by talking to him, instead. 'I reckon she'll be quite mad within the year,” says Rebecca, with the quiet pride of somebody who has achieved a significant life goal.

If making enemies one at a time seems too long-drawn out you can easily go for mass production, thanks to the power of modern communication.

With just one e-mail announcing my resignation from one book group and decision to form another I was able to alienate at least half a dozen people at a stroke, some requiring only a little more work to turn into long-term opponents.

So if you already have enemies, congratulations. Use them or lose them. And if you haven’t, get some. In your life right now there's somebody you don't really like. Today's the day to antagonise them with that throwaway insult that's been welling up inside you for so long.

After all, enemies may be upsetting but they're also challenging, exhilarating and do wonders for your mental powers. And with enemies like that, who, frankly, needs friends?