Good citizen that I am, it's always nice to know that when it comes to adopting a healthy lifestyle, I'm following official advice. So imagine my delight when I hear that our beloved government has unveiled an exciting new campaign. It's been given a typically inspirational title - something on the lines of, 'Bloody hell, you're drunk again,' and aims to prise middle-class drinkers out of their alcohol-soused homes and back into the wine bars where they belong, so they can get sozzled in company and then spend the night in the gutter with their friends.
I'm something of a sensible drinking expert, largely because I've done so much of it. Last night - a case in point - I hone my sensible drinking skills to such good purpose that I use them non-stop until closing time, by which point, unfortunately, I'm completely legless. This is a bit of a blow given that I've followed government advice to the letter.
As a result, I could really do with a secondary government campaign aimed at crap mothers and called, "You've done it this time, you dozy tart," which would consist of a list of handy tips on what happens when you wake up, drunk, at 3.00 am, and have no idea what you did with the children the night before.
Imagine my joy when I find the regulation issue of one child per bed. Then I find Francis - which is a relief, as I can't remember what I did with him, either.
The next morning at school, yet another excellent campaign idea comes to mind. As a class of twenty seven-year olds strikes up the first excruciating notes of, "Au claire de la lune," on the recorder, I could really do with a large label stapled to my head warning me that mixing wind instruments and alcohol can kill.
A few minutes later, I've proved conclusively that there is life after death. My only hope is that there's no such thing as eternity.
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17 comments:
Hilarious, omega mum.
But horribly, horribly true, Debio. That's the scary part.
Well I would like to call myself a sensible drinking expert also but I never seem to know when to stop. Crystal x
CJ: My problem, too. Thank goodness the government is there to help us both.
Another cracking posting, Omega Mum. Trust that with time you'll once again be able to enjoy Clair de la lune as Debussy intended it - without memory of enduring it with hangover. It was Debussy, wasn't it? Oh, how embarrassing. Now I'm not sure...
You're probably right, MAL. But put it this way, if you weren't, I wouldn't know anyway. I've not yet gone into my music teaching credentials, have I?
Jolly good news, people should definitely drink in wine bars rather than at home that way when they drive home bladdered the cops pick them up, they get a driving ban, congestion halved at a stroke.
Kev
Thanks Kev. Presumably that comes into the 'every cloud has a silver lining' category?
I heard someone on the radio, going on about giving drinking advice to the middle aged middle classes who quaff too much vino at home.
Among the audio clips was someone saying "they're not alcohol-dependant..." and it was at this point that I thought "that's OK then," so I raised my glass to the radio and said,
"Cheers"
Quite right, too. Your government is proud of you.
I think you should take a job as a Government advisor...
I must admit, that because this news item contained the words 'government' and 'responsible drinking' it got blocked by my internal spam filter.
I think your reaction is a healthy one.
Actually, M&M, I already have, and what you're reading is state-sponsored propaganda with a cunningly designed subtext designed to woo you all into leading a healthier lifestyle. I'm not sure where Bad Lindy fits into it, yet. Unless she's actually running the country.
Just love your humour - far too clever for a government advisor M&M.
I guess the government have gone for the more mature end of the market in the hope that they might pay more attention than the young did! Some hope!
Nothing is more likely to make me carry on regardless with my current (unhealthy) lifestyle than the dreaded phrase "government guidelines"!
Dear Drunk Mummy and Funky M. Carry on drinking, then. Cheers!
@The Mill. There's nothing like being told what to do to get the jokes flowing. Thanks.
First they came for the smokers, and now they'll pick off the drinkers.
Temporarily forgetting your kids' whereabouts for a few hours shouldn't be a crime...
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