"'Improvised fitness is great fun," I read from the 'Bumper Book of Oh My God Haven't they given up this New Year Exercise bollocks yet?,' a free insert that practically bounded out of the newpaper this morning shouting '1-2-3 and REST!'
"'You can exercise with anything lying around like ash poles, tyres, barrels, jerry cans, overhanging tree branches and kerbs. Allegedly."
We look round Vicky's sitting room.
"I knew I shouldn't have got rid of that improvised jerry can and old tyre raft I was building when I ran out of jigsaws for entertainment," she says. "Do you think you could substitute decorative twigs for branches?"
"Only if you're under two feet tall and can make really convincing grunting sounds when you balance them on one finger," I say. "Anyway, why do you care?"
"No, you're right. Why do I? So what if my six-pack is made entirely out of undigested mince pies - it's incredibly desirable, or so I like to think."
"Here we go. There's something called partner training. It says 'You can have a lot of fun exercising with a partner or friend - you may find it brings out your competitive streak.'"
We study the copious illustrations, which feature men so flat with fitness that they appear to have shed at least one of their three dimensions. Their expressions, in stark contrast to the fun suggested by the dynamic text, convey profound levels of resigned imbecility and their legs are entirely hairless.
"Apparently it makes them more aerodynamic," I say as Vicky runs a finger up and down one of the saddest-looking knees, possibly feeling for stubble.
"What on earth for? Unless they hire themselves out as kites in their spare time."
There are a couple of crashes and the sound of a muffled exclamation and Lindy appears in the doorway, wiping her mouth.
"Post's come. Pity about the postman," she says, snatching the booklet and studying the figures.
"Blimey. I tried a back to back wrestle once with somebody who looked just like those two," she says.
"What happened?"
"Wheelchair," says Bad Lindy. "Now get out the wine. Let's see if we can juggle a packet of crisps and a couple of glasses. Then, if you're still keen on exercise, we'll nip off down to the fire station. It's equipment cleaning day today. I'm sure they'll let us all join in."
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10 comments:
I'm sure you will be welcomed with open arms.
Crystal xx
Do you think I should take my own helmet though, CJ?
I don't have a six pack, I have a wash tub. Do you think I might try and do those exercises too or should I just come and go to the firehouse with you? Not to get involved or anything, but I could provide refreshments and tell amusing anecdotes while you are all otherwise engaged. It seems to me that firemen should be aerodynamic to when they have to get to the fire in a hurry, maybe I could help shave them. Or we could use wax for the entertainment value.
Sweet I: Think of a wash tub as nature's way of telling you that only complete w****** have six-packs and please do come down to see the firemen with us. I've saved one for you. He's lovely.
Exercise, yuck...not for me, not in this lifetime...ciao
OK - did Bad Lindy eat the postman?
Aggh..i've given up on exercise. I wish I had the time!
Rositta: Quite right, too.
Alda: Vicky says she's going to search for body parts today. I'll let you know.
Beth: You don't have the time. And when you do, you'll find more interesting things to do with it. Take my word for it.
The mention of firemen has drawn me inexorably back to the comment box like a january dieter to the leftover chocolate coins.
Exercise is one of those things you should be able to delegate isn't it. It's a testament to the unfairness of the universe that you can't. My house is a testament to the many ways of making exercise "fun" (swiss ball that chases you spookily around the room reproaching you for not using it for sit ups; mini trampoline used as handy flat surface for plastic dinosaur fights...) all to no avail.
Firemen should offer classes like those British Military Fitness ones where they shout brusque encouragement and wear very tight t shirts. Yup, my cardiovascular fitness is improving just imagining it.
Jaywalker: Agree with everything you say, especially firemen in tight t-shirts. What a great idea 'Work out with the emergency services.' Who could resist it? Or, even better, 'Watch the emergency services working out.' Am coming over all hot and bothered. May need to sit down for a bit.
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