When the football results come on, my attention is wandering until I hear the following:
"Liverpool thrashes Barbie six-nil."
Well, of course Liverpool thrashed Barbie. Eleven fit men against one woman whose butt is smaller than her head and runs like a pair of scissors opening and closing? It's no contest, is it?
Perhaps, though, it was just down to a lousy choice of tactics. The stilettos probably didn't help, and I suspect pausing to change outfits would have worked against her, too:
"Two goals down, and it's time for desperate measures. Barbie's changing into her Air Hostess outfit, but the word from her manager is that it's too little, too late.
"Four down, and she's set up the Vet Barbie kiosk almost in the goal mouth, but it's been declared offside and she has to remove it, along with the cute plastic kittens and pet travel box.
"It's going to be hard to recover from five down, but Barbie's taking it on the chin, literally, by bringing on her substitute head with the adjustable hair lengths
"It's a wash out. Even the poseable limbs couldn't turn it round for Barbie. And as she swivels her head 360 degrees to smile winsomely at the crowds and swaps sets of co-ordinated handbags and earrings with the other players - who, admittedly, look slightly surprised - you have to admire her pluck.
"That radiant smile disguises what must be a huge anxiety as Barbie waits for the results of the random lead content tests. She may face a lifetime ban, just like the Polly Pocket team last week who ran out of magnets just hefore half time as they were about to score and were forced to spend the rest of the match disco dancing on the spot."
Later on that day, the results come on again, and I listen more carefully. It's not Barbie. It's Derby - of course. But I bet it wasn't half such an entertaining match.
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16 comments:
I wouldn't go as far as saying entertaining! Perhaps Barbie would have made a better job? With or without hair extensions.
Crystal xx
I think bringing on Rollerskating Barbie at half time would have swung it, myself.
Barbie would have shimmied onto the pitch at the start of the game looking sexy and showing some flesh. "Well fellas, hows about it" she would have said coyly.
One of the footballers would have come up to her, taken her hand in his and said "Not now sweetheart, the game's about to start. Pass us a beer."
What a shame it was Derby. I'm really in favour of Barbie being given a lifetime ban. She has taken over our household and recently some of her friends have moved in, and they don't travel light!
Gwen: There isn't an element of personal history in this, is there? You sounded very, very knowledgable. In which case, can I send Bad Lindy to the next match with you?
Ingenious Rose: The only solution is a Barbie decapitating dog. Well, it worked for us.
Derby - pah! Barbie is far more entertaining.
You are so hilarious! I can't begin to describe how much I love reading your blog.
djk: You are so lovely. Thank you.
Alda: I have huge admiration for anyone who can say 'pah' in print. Do you ever say it out loud? If so, you win a prize.
I love it, just love it, what a sense of humor. Where you born with it? I envy you this quality.
Sweet I: Thanks so much. My mother always told me I had an 'inappropriate' sense of humour and it has got me into a great deal of trouble over the years....
What kind of prize? A pah-pah prize?
(sorry I just had to)
Alda: You are as sharp as a knife today.....Will mull over prize. An exclamation-shaped trophy, perhaps?
You mis-hear. I mis-read. To you, derby was Barbie. To me, Cali Girl Barbie was Call Girl Barbie. Hey, if the tiny little stiletto-heeled shoe fits, wear it. (Maybe that way I wouldn't have these lacerations all over the bottom of MY feet from stepping on the dratted things at night.) Your posts are NOT helping my gastritis.
Shine On,
Lill
Lill: Sorry to hear about your gastritis, but absolutely thrilled by the notion of Call Girl Barbie -which I'd buy like a shot.
I don't understand why I don't get your posts on the day they are published.
I am not accusing -just feel left out.
Perhaps they're being censored, omega mum. This one released without edit cos this is Barbie country!
I don't understand either, Debio, and I'm sorry. But thank goodness I'm not running a news service. I don't think I'd be doing terribly well on the subscriptions front.
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