"... so, in conclusion, do not touch the children. Do not shout at the children. Do not send a child out - they are unsupervised. You don't know what they might do. Self mutilate, possibly. And remember, no beverages in the classroom, and if you get a letter of complaint from a parent, bring it straight to me.
"Any questions?
"Decoration? Well, we certainly aim to get the entrance hall painted in time for the parents' evening. The rest of the building work has been put on hold. Why? No cement. Because of the Olympics, we're running out of the stuff. Did you know that? Put your shares in cement manufacturing, that's what I say.
"Is anything happening to the junior toilets? We thought we might flush them, for a change. Joking aside, what had you in mind? Bright-coloured doors? Right. So that urine shade doesn't appeal? We'll think about it.
"You want to report a what? Oh, not another child with a food problem. What is it this time? Chokes on apple? Look on the bright side. We could always do Snow White as the Christmas play this year.
"Anything else? No? Then let me wish you all a very successful and happy Autumn term."
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17 comments:
At my children's school there's a teacher with an allergy to many things, including rubber.
There's a notice on the entrance saying you're not allowed to bring into the building a number of items, including...
rubber bands
balloons
and condoms.
This is a primary school.
Am teeny bit worried they forgot to mention course of action to take when accosted by Bad Lindy attempting GBH of the earholes during a concert recital. Survival could depend on knowing the right thing to do. Personally, I wouldn't know where to begin, but I do think it's the school's duty to equip today's children with training for dealing the Bad Lindys of the world.
I never know out of which left field you're going to come from next. It all hits me out of the blue. It's like being in a Monty Python Sketch. Very British humor, I say!
Excellent blog - as always. So many areas which ring true. And I love the bit about kids diets!
Crystal xx
great post. made me laugh. sorry typing with one hand, holding baby in other! all the pc and health/safety at school drives me mad
Beta Mum: Really? Perhaps some of the parents are a little frisky?
M@L: I'll ask for it to be added to the core curriculum straight away
SI: In blogland, even left fields have left fields.
CJ: Bits of it are direct transcriptions from my notebook. Promise
Manicmama: Glad you enjoyed it. And very impressive to be holding baby at the same time as typing. When I tried it, they always drooled on the keyboard.
..In blogland, even left fields have left fields... wow, that's awesome!
Rob C: I'm not entirely what it means, though. But thanks.
Urine shade? Is that a new colour from Farrow and Ball? Must check it out.
Mya x
Too funny and also, sadly, too true. Why don't we put them all in little bubbles and get it over with?
The teachers are welcome too.
Mya: It's this season's must have - but only if team with Glade's new 'over-cooked cabbage' room freshener.
The rotten corr: Can you drink alcohol in a bubble? Yes, please if so.
Oh hun, one forgets teachers have to go back to school too...
HA HA you and Beta Mum crack me up!
It warms my heart to know that some teachers are maintaining their sense of humour - or are you just slowly going barking mad?
Debio: I went stark, staring mad fairly early on, unfortunately, but clinging to tattered remnants of sanity, I hope.
Lol...snow white...lol...feel teensy bit bad about laughing at that...lolololololololol...
DJK: Don't feel guilty - we all laughed, too. And I'm sure we shouldn't.
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