"She won't answer her front door," says Vicky, who has obviously decided against breaking the truth gently.
"Who won't?" asks Ra.
"Lindy," says Vicky. I try to catch her eye without success. "She's got Tom in there with her."
"I thought you were planning a subtle approach," I say.
"I was, but I got bored," says Vicky. "And anyway, I've tried it before. All that happens is you take a bit longer to get to the brutal honesty bit and it's just as bad when you do."
"Tom?" says Ra, tearful again. "What's going on? It's not a hostage situation, is it?"
"I shouldn't have thought so," says Vicky. "What would Lindy ask for? A waiting plane to take her to an 18-30 holiday where all the other women have been mysteriously abducted by aliens, leaving bronzed, sex-starved hunks craving the presence of female company?"
She pauses. "I suppose you could have a point, Ra. Let's go and find out."
Shortly afterwards, we're thumping on Lindy's door. Nothing. Upstairs, the curtains are drawn and there's the very faint sound of a growling bass.
"Oh my God," I say. "Isn't that Ride of the Valkyrie?"
By way of answer, my phone pings. I take a look, jump, and pass it to Cultured Mum and Vicky. It's a giblet text with a difference, a rear view of a slightly pimply backside.
"So what?" says Vicky.
"Look at that left buttock," I say, "And tell me if that mark is what I think it is."
"It says, 'I love Beethoven' - and there's some notes," says Vicky.
"If I'm not mistaken," says Ra, "It's the opening of Beethoven's fifth. The hammer blows of fate. Or am I thinking of Mahler Six ?"
"Mahler six, legs eleven, Lindy's soixante-neuf - who cares at a time like this?" says Vicky. "Do you want Tom or not?"
Ra examines the text with care.
"Whoever did that tattoo certainly didn't have what I'd consider a solid grounding in music theory. That treble clef's a disgrace."
"Why don't you write and demand the entire London Symphony Orchestra when you get yours done?" says Vicky who is getting a tiny bit impatient. "If they wrote small they could probably fit a whole symphony across your bum and add an encore round the front. You could keep crowds entertained for hours at next year's Proms."
"I just don't want to face the truth," says Ra. She looks at the text again. "Mind you, I think facing that tattoo is even worse."
"Right," says Vicky. "Talk about hammer blows of fate. We're going in."
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20 comments:
I suppose that some day this will all make sense to me, if I just keep reading it now as if it all makes sense to me. I am sure that I am in a time warp of some kind and I am not sure if the people involved are figments of someone's imagination or not, or if their actions are. But I just keep reading it in the hope that one day the quarter will drop and it will all make sense. Then again, it may never and it will be another one of those mysterious things in my life that I never got the hang off, but pretended to understand anyway, because it seemed like everybody else did. But I sure hope I see the light some day!
I hear Dam Busters music swelling to a crescendo as the intrepid gang head over to liberate what's left of Tom after Lindy's had her way with him. Great yarn. Awaiting the next twist in it with interest.
M@L: It does worry that I have temporarily lost sight of my blog title altogether - 3kidsnoplot might be better - but glad you're enjoying it.
Sweet I: I feel awful about this. Go and lie down with a damp towel over your head and I promise to give you a break from Bad Lindy. I don't know what she thinks she's doing, dominating the action like this. Normal service will be resumed asap - and thank you so much for sticking with it. Tell me what your favourite topics are and I'll endeavour to write to brief.
Apparently authors often find that their characters take over the stories. This is natural and the author should not stop the character doing so. Therefore I feel that we will be hearing a lot more about Bad Lindy. Not that I mind in the slightest.
'Character'? 'Story' Gwen, how could you?! This is reportage, I tell you. Every word.
This story is developing splendidly, and I for one wouldn't miss a word of it! Such a mad, sad, sorry bunch really - yet quite irresistible. And your prose just keeps on getting better and better.
Just one thing though.... what is 'Ra' short for? I met an extremely posh young girl recently who was Rosemary, known as 'Ro'. I thought it was stretching things a bit at the time (whilst being undeniably posh of course) - but now I wonder if Ra's diminutive is constructed along much the same lines?
(Your word thing today is vvicuwxs, btw. Which in my view is pushing patience pretty far - though I have to admit that Debio's was actually even worse.)
First word thing failed: now it's cpbtqbzd. I tell you, either it goes, or I do!
IB: OK, bowing to pressure (from you) I have removed word verification. Hope you'll stay with me now...Glad you're enjoying it, anyway.
These cliff-hangers are no good for my blood pressure. I want to hear more about the growling bass -sounds like an interesting, fishy fellow.
Mya x
Mya: And there's his best friend, the old-trout - though they rarely meet...
So many thanks for removing the word thing. I only hope you won't now be besieged by spammers and hackers - and it will be all my fault!
You still didn't tell me what Ra is short for, btw........? I simply shan't rest until I know.
Perhaps it dates back to schooldays in fact? She having achieved immortality by standing on the sidelines at hockey matches shouting "Oh ra,ra,ra, Roedean!"
Or, as my boys and their friends used to put it when they rowed for their grammar school against Eton and Radley:
"Oh wa, wa wa, Wadley!" (Or Woedean)
(They also used to shout "Oh well wowed Wadley!"
Nasty little boys, in many ways - and I'm not sure if that's how you spell Radley: I only ever heard it shouted across the Thames.)
IB: It's short for Alexandra. Sorry, did say, but posted it on wrong comment page.
Oh I SEE, OM! It's definitely in the Ro for Rosemary category then? I had vaguely thought of Rania, myself...
But I can quite see that for a certain sort of person, Alexandra would indeed be likely to become Ra.
Don't be put off writing about them btw. I don't always quite get the hang of it myself, but it's still a must-read, and observed with style and the most delicious sharpness.
Funny thing though... I had always envisaged Lindy as a rather small thin wiry woman. Big boobs of course - but the rest of her quite skinny. Sharply pointed like a little rat, really.
So: it has been quite a jolt to have to re-envisage her as a kind of Vanessa Feltz. Or perhaps Nigella? (But no, she couldn't possibly be as glamorous or gorgeous as that - could she?)
Me then! tattoos the Beethoven - musical master sublime. Yearns the hot reversed widows of the beginning of the greek alphabet.
IB: She is definitely on the large and overwhelming side. Taller than me, and I'm well above average height. So she can, literally, carry off a man (of small to medium size).
If you can bear to tell me what bits don't work then please do - I do tend to write quickly (owing to all other commitments, especially work) and am not a natural loose ends person...so all much appreciated.
M.T. Dong: Your world sounds even weirder than mind, and you hail from Bridport. Some would suspect a Mutley connection.....
I enjoy reading these blogs, they fascinate me. Not sure which of you has the most wicked sense of humour though..
Crystal xx
CJ: The only way to get through life is to laugh at it. Or weep copiously. Or drink a lot. But at the moment Blogging does it for me.
Great stuff Ms Omega - I trust Tom has escaped? Mu by the way is a force of nature - she has her own Facebook group you know...
Mutley: Thanks, old bean. And I'm not at all surprised that Mu is a legend. Are you, in fact, related?
My brain's still b-flat but you darling are a breath of fresh air!
I once played the clarinet, btw. Was supremely untalented, so admire you to bits...
PS. Thank you, thank you, thank you for removing the word verification - blogger has such a dinosaur of a commenting system... what a pain in the a**e.
Orchidea: Lovely to see you back. How is the wacky world of work? Will come over and see. Glad life transformed by removal of word verification. Thank you for sticking with it....
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