Concert Pitch

It's one of those moments. To be more accurate, it's several of those moments, all rolled together and combined with the interesting sensation that the universe has encountered a points difficulty and lurched to a grinding halt somewhere outside Thurrock.

I look at Vicky. She's not saying anything - in itself, a highly unusual state of affairs. I am trying to gather my thoughts and rearrange them into a nice, ordered little posy rather than the disordered Triffid-like tendrils they currently resemble.

Bad Lindy, too, is silent. But when I glance at her I see that she's perfectly relaxed and looking straight at Colin with a half smile.

"So you resent it, do you Colin?" she says. He draws himself up to his full height, tailor-enhanced shoulders following a split second later, and looks straight back.

"I do, as it happens," he says. "My good lady friend here - "

"Your what?" says Vicky, perking up suddenly.

"I can speak for myself," says Ra. "And I don't know what the three of you are up to, but it feels like a very public transgression on to very private territory."

"How funny," says Bad Lindy. "Because that's pretty much what your mum said, too."

"My mum?" says Colin."What's my mum got to do with this?"

"Quite a lot, now," says Bad Lindy. "Since I told her all about you and me - every little sordid detail."

"You did what?" says Colin."But you don't even know my mother. You don't even know me."

"I may not know you inside out," says Bad Lindy,"I was starting with the extremities and working my way in. That is, until you dumped me."

By now, Ra, Vicky and I have combined forces to form a sort of impromptu Greek chorus.

"He dumped you?" we say together, running our eyes up and down Colin in an effort to calculate whether so puny a frame as his would be able to dump anything as large as Lindy without severe internal injury.

"Oh, yes," says Lindy. "We met on a campsite. Colin was showing me the ropes. Literally. He wooed me with words. Just the way he's doing with you, Ra."

"And which word exactly was it that did the trick?" I say unwisely, but unable to resist asking.

"There were so many. Aufenthaltsgenehmigung was one, if I recall. But I think it was 'Fancy a f***' that did the trick in the end."

"Colin would never be so coarse," says Ra, indignantly.

"Oh, no?" says Lindy. "Want to see his texts?" She gets out her phone and, after a bit of finger agitation, shows the screen to Ra, who reads the message and goes pale.

"That is his number, isn't it?" Ra looks at it distractedly. "Yes, I'm sure it is."

"Anyway, your mum didn't take kindly to hearing about the new woman in your life, especially one who's married. I think she'll be having words with you when you get home. She told me she felt really sorry for me."

"I'm not taking any more of this," says Colin. "It's a pack of lies from beginning to end. Coming, Ra?"

Cultured Mum looks bewildered. "I...I don't know," she says. Colin shrugs and turns away.

"Come on," says Vicky to Ra. "Come back with us. Let's find somewhere you can calm down for a bit." She leads Ra away.

"How did you do that?" I say to Bad Lindy.

"Do what?" she says. "I'm telling you, the boy was a legend in bed. I don't know what they teach them at music college, but he must have practised a hell of a lot of scales." She catches my eye.

"Oh, all right," she says. "It's all down to the private detective. He tracked down Colin's mum and I phoned her. Sounded pretty damn convincing, if you ask me."

"And the texts from Colin?"

"Oh, I just sent them to myself from that other phone."

"But I thought Ra recognised the number."

"She was upset. All numbers look the same when you're in a state of post-Colin shock."

As Vicky and Ra come back, I can't help wondering how long it will take Ra to become suspicious. The odds of discovering that your new man has a history with one of your friends must be astronomical. Unless, of course, that friend is Bad Lindy, in which case all bets are usually off.