Piercing notes

The only atmosphere that might cramp Bad Lindy's style would be a vacuum, and possibly not even then. As a result, she's able to carry on as normal - which in her case means launching into an animated monologue about a stray fireman she captured recently - while Tom and Ra manage eye contact with the ceiling, floor and Bad Lindy's collection of assorted semi-pornographic ornaments - anything rather than look at each other, and Vicky and I watch them like spectators at a tennis match, or, more accurately, voyeurs at a motorway pile up.

"Honestly," says Bad Lindy. "Talk about dull. It had got to the point where I was thinking about sending a couple of texts while he carried on. All I did was tell him his range of positions was so boring that he could probably put a fire out just by looking at it and he came over all sulky and left. That's emergency services for you - no sense of humour. No wonder the country's in a mess."

"Do you think we should go?" I hiss at Vicky.

"Only if you're getting bored," says Bad Lindy, overhearing. "Otherwise I vote you hang around and wait for the fireworks."

"Do you mind?" says Ra.

"Do you know what?" says Lindy. "I think I do. Given it was me who found Tom in the first place."

"Found him?" says Ra. "He's not an object trouve, like seawrack. Or treasure trove."

"He looked pretty lost to me," says Lindy. "Didn't you, Tom?"

"I'd been driving round for hours," says Tom. "Every time I stopped the car, somebody knocked on the windscreen and asked if I was all right. Then I parked a few houses up from here," - he motions round the room, "- and the next thing I know, Bad Lindy's smashed in the window and is dragging me out through it."

"I thought you were trying to gas yourself," says Bad Lindy.

"No you didn't," says Tom."The engine wasn't running. Anyway, you told me you just wanted to try out that fireman's axe."

"Good choppers are hard to come by," says Bad Lindy. "Anyway, I brought him in and offered him a bed for the night."

"I bet you did," says Ra.

"In the spare room," says Lindy, emphatically. "And since then, he's been here building up his strength with a nourishing diet of daytime TV and microwave popcorn and working out how to win you back from Colin."

"I've even been trying a bit of classical music," says Tom, making it sound like one of the faddier diets. Beside him, obscured by a tasteful reworking of one of the more acrobatic positions from the Karma Sutra is a small pile of DVDs. Mozart and Bach feature prominently, together with several Beethoven symphonies.

"Hence the tattoo," says Bad Lindy. "We thought it showed commitment."

"You did," says Tom. "But if I'd been sober, I'd never have agreed."

"You didn't go to that awful salon place?" says Ra, aghast. "Painted black, just by the railway bridge. I'm sure they sell drugs there."

"That's the one," says Lindy, with pride.

"Well, I suppose it could have been worse," says Ra. "Don't they do body piercings there, too?"

"Ah," says Tom. "You only got the text with the rear view, didn't you? There's more...round the front. I think you'd better come with me."

Tom and Ra disappear. A few minutes later, there's a muffled shriek.

We both look at Lindy.

"His decision," she says. "He nodded 'yes' just before he passed out. And once it's healed, he's going to be a music-loving superstud.Believe me, they'll never look back. Just down quite a lot. Though he may have a problem with airport security."