Round here there's so much oneupmanship that even pets are selected for intelligence. There are collies so highly trained that several are working as classroom assistants. I've even met a goldfish so bright that it's little fishy eyes follow you round the kitchen, possibly so it can make a quick escape if it sees the sauce tartare coming out, but also because when it catches sight of its fish food it spits water out of its tank with excitement. I've heard of drooling before, but this is in a different league.
Not us, though. I selected our little dog because I thought she'd be up for games, fun, long walks. She's useless at all of them. I made a few mistakes, admittedly - the dog training class had to break it to me that almost no dog manages more than the rudiments of Vingt et un and they all tend to get over excited during Monopoly and eat the Community Chest.
But still. At least there's good news about our dog - of a sort, anyway. If she isn't the nation's most disobedient dog it's only because she is, categorically, the nation's stupidest, which makes her behaviour at least unintentional.
Matters came to a head when we took her with us for a visit to my parents in law. Their house is immaculate. It's clean in places I'd never thought of cleaning -behind radiators and the underneaths of loo cisterns.
Within minutes of our arrival, she'd found her way upstairs to their bedroom, peed on their brand new carpet and, tired out by her exploits, jumped onto their bed where she fell into a deep and satisfying sleep, leaving a great many hairs and some impossible to remove stains.
They found her, and the by now dried up wee several hours later when she sat up, wagged her tail and did the dog equivalent of, "What? You what? What is it - I don't get it. Why are you looking like at me like that? Ow!"
She was not asked again.
However, I did tell the story to several friends and several who have a distinctly iffy relationship with their own parents in law reckoned they might try a similar approach next time they go to stay.
Perhaps she's not quite as stupid as I thought.....
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11 comments:
You could always loan her out to your friends.
Or, still better, rent her out for a small fee ...
Sorry, I meant to say 'for a small pee'. But you probably knew that.
If that doesn't work, you can get a pretend poo and use that. My son made a very passable dog poo complete with footprint in it out of salt dough.
On a different note - i haven't been around for a while - but BLIMEY< you've picked up a stack of awards while I've been away. Well done m'dear.
Alda: You are such a wag (pun 100% intended).
mid-lifer: Thanks so much. Looking forward to more catching up on your blog.
too hilarious. Give that dog a medal.
But you love her don't you? You just can't help it, because stupid dogs are so adorable. They remind us of us when we aren't being very bright lights, which I am quite often.
DJ: I would, but she's so thick she'd probably eat it.
Sweet I: My children love her to bits. So do the strangers who have to screech to a halt when she runs into the road to say 'hello'. She loves everyone. My input is neither here nor there.
Oh my goodness, you have brought back memories of our little Welsh street-fighter of a dog, Meg!
We loved her dearly, and she was with us for eighteen years. But she would take on all comers, the bigger the better (she was quite a little dog herself); and her behaviour in public became so appalling that we had to institute a system of early warnings, consisting of shrieks of "Dog coming!" whenever another canine approached - so that she could be whisked behind a hedge, or someone's fence, until the moment of danger had passed.
In the end, we could take her out at all only at three o'clock in the morning, when the streets were bare. And even then, danger seemed always imminent.
She was a cracking little footballer though! We still look sentimentally at old footage of her tearing down the garden with the ball firmly under nose control...
At least Meg was clearly bright. Ours stares at footballs with her head cocked on one side and then gets walloped by them.
So just what did the new carpet smell of, I wonder? Dogs do not foul indoors unless stimulated so to do, generally.
Or is the place so clean that a little territory marking was in order?
She sounds wonderful...
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