Tuesday 16 October 2007

AaaaaarGhA

"The Aga man said why not dry citrus peel in the roasting oven and use it as firelighters?" says Vicky, looking at the shiny lump of metal the size of a small mini that's now occupying most of one wall in her kitchen.

She's on her knees in front of it, a reluctant worshipper, contemplating it with mixed awe and loathing.

"Tosser," says Bad Lindy. "You'd get a better blaze toasting his giblets and using them as firelighters instead. Speaking of which, mind if I toast my gusset?"

"As long as you're properly dressed," says Vicky.

"As if I would," says Lindy. She pulls up a chair and sits, legs well apart, revelling in the heat.

"That copper I know said he tried cycling to work commando fashion and kept sitting on his plums," she adds, conversationally.

"Not a citrus fruit," says Vicky. "And the bruising probably stops them heating evenly."

I've gone round to Vicky's to commiserate on her latest kitchen acquisition. Her husband, yearning for an Aga, has got just enough of a bonus to buy one and, despite Vicky's frequent and vociferous objections, has ripped out a couple of kitchen units and had it installed.

"It uses so much fuel that I've asked for the bills in black-edged evelopes," she says. "The meter shoots round so fast that you could attach a couple of sparklers and flog it as a catherine wheel, and I'm convinced we've created our own personal hole in the ozone layer. Look through a telescope and you'll probably find it's formed itself into an arrow shape pointing downwards and the words 'she did it'. I'm expecting Greenpeace round any day now, anchoring one of their dinghies to the main burner until we sign a treaty of casserole non-proliferation."

"So what are you supposed to do with it?" asks Bad Lindy, "Apart from warm your bits."

"Stew and baked potatoes, apparently," says Vicky. "And I'm not a great one for either."

"Blimey. I hope it's good with nuggets and frozen chips or your kids'll starve," says Lindy. "Mind you, they can always suck the ice off the sides if they're desperate."

"I've never wanted to be a domestic goddess and now I reckon Brett wants to turn me into Aga Woman, with my 200 dernier tights firmly outside sensible pants and a lamb tucked under cape, liberating mankind from its brink-of-disaster seasoning problems."

As the woman who put the carbon in Carbonara and could burn a fruit salad, Vicky clearly has some way to go.

"Mind you," she says, looking speculatively at the hotplates,"It's supposed to be able to dry anything. And it's children's bathtime tonight. You never know. It might just prove more useful than I'd thought."

17 comments:

Alda said...

Oh, dear. Thank you for leaving me with that image. I shall now have to go wash my brain out with soap.

Omega Mum said...

Alda - always a pleasure to oblige. And you could probably use the left over bits of brain as firelighters

Anonymous said...

Roasting and burning - that's usually what I use mine for. The farmer does warm his bits occasionally.

Crystal xx

Omega Mum said...

CJ: So there's always a bit-warming element, is there?

I Beatrice said...

OMG, and to think I've always secretly yearned for one!

But when you put it like that... the idea of all my friends warming their bits around the Aga at their ages.... No, it just doesn't do it for me I'm afraid.

Omega Mum said...

I take it as a signal honour that I've been able to step in and save you from yourself and your friends' bits. IB.

Potty Mummy said...

Agas - nice in theory, a prison sentence in reality. Based on my mum's experience, that is...

Omega Mum said...

Potty Mummy: I plan to keep a close eye on developments and report back.

Mid-lifer said...

Really good for drying children's underwear after minor accidents when visiting (I speak of course from experience as my mother in law has one)

I loved this post - how come my friends aren't as witty as yours? Love the idea of cycling on plums, but we'll leave it there.

v.v. sorry - but I've tagged you (and I'm too busy/indolent to find out if you've already been tagged on this - if so, ignore!)

Omega Mum said...

Thanks, mid-lifer. Everyone I know uses humour ask quick fix to escape from awfulness of life. Will check up on tag, I promise, but I tend to be rubbish at doing them as my mind goes a complete blank - but I will try.

debio said...

I miss my Aga so much - oh how I miss my Aga.....

Any oven I have here is made to feel inadequate - because it is - and inefficient - because it is.

Of course we don't need one to warm our bits but as I have been toiling this half term with Christmas puddings and a cake, I have been praying to the God of Agas more than usual.

I have been tempted to import one, to my husband's horror (he hates them and feels the heat anyway). Might be taking the British bit too far, perhaps......?

Omega Mum said...

Debio: At this rate, I can see that we'll divide into AaahGa and AaarGa camps. It obviously inspires strong feelings in every direction.

The Woman who Can said...

Ooh, I've never had an Aga, and am now thinking of getting one if they all come with something that warms your bits. Am not much of a chef though. Do they just sell bits warmers do you think?

Gwen said...

Toasting one's plums on an Aga sounds quite a painful process.

DJ Kirkby said...

And to think I always wanted an Aga...no more as the image of Bad Lindy toasting her gusset has seared any desire from my mind.
Though the Greenpeace reference will continue to amuse me (and likely at the most inappropriate times) for the rest of the week!

Omega Mum said...

Tina: Will check accessory range with Vicky - not sure if there's a dedicated bits warmer of if you have to improvise but will let you know

Gwen: You might end up with crumble, I suppose

DJ: It's a worrying thought. But then, all mine are these days.

Nunhead Mum of One said...

we stayed at a cottage once with an aga....we were there for a weekend so we got it started on the Friday night. it was heating up nicely just as we left on the Sunday!