Sunday 10 February 2008

Trifling moments: extracts from a suburban drinks party

"- I do wonder how she copes now she's in the police. She's just so pink and fluffy. She'll call me up and say, '" Hi, Mum. I just had a few minutes free after arresting a shoplifter so I thought I'd call up and see how you are.'"

"- Trifle? Anyone want some more trifle?"

"- So I unwrap it and it's this book full of tips. For girls, allegedly. And I can't make head nor tail of them."

"- Then she rings me up the other day and tells me she hasn't had a moment to herself all morning what with wrestling one criminal to the ground after another, and she's black and blue all up her legs. Then she just goes, 'Love you, Mum. Just turned the sirens on. Sorry if it's a bit noisy.' And, then, to crown it all, she calls this morning and says, 'Hope you're not cooking, Mum, I just had to tell you what I've been up today"

"- Yes I did do something completely different for the first ten years. But I'm certainly not going to tell YOU what it was."

"- There's still lots of trifle left. Come on, you lot."

" - So she says, 'We get up the top of the stairs and it doesn't smell - but only because the bedroom door's been closed for six weeks. I have a quick look and see the body's up against the radiator - and the heating's on full blast. And I think, 'Aye-aye,'. So I turn to the women pcs and say, 'Anyone got some scent, because I think we need some for our hankies?' Wouldn't be so bad except by now the relations have turned up and they're all watching from downstairs. So we're handling things really sensitively and we just sort of roll him to the top of the stairs, but gently. And then his head comes off and rolls all the way to the bottom - and two of the other policewomen faint. Are you making shortbread, Mum? I really miss your shortbread.'"

"....And I just don't understand all the tips. For example, 'Think of your nipples as headlights,' What does it mean? And if I did, what would they suggest using to get a dipped beam?"

25 comments:

Expat mum said...

Yes. My sister is working with Bernado's at the moment and the situations she hints at can send me mad. All the workers have therapy on a weekly basis so I only hope the police have the same help. It's insane, an we should remember it!

Iota said...

Your writing is SO DARNED CLEVER, you wicked blogger, you.

Irene said...

normally, being kind of a strong and silent type, I don't like going to cocktail parties, but this one is one I would have liked to have gone to, as it seems that there were many people there with many fascinating bits of conversation.

As you can see, it made good material for a post and I read the thing twice out of sheer curiosity and to have it really sink in as to what it was that I was reading.

I could almost smell the sizzle of the six week old corpse and taste the trifle that there was still enough off.

I think you must run into some very interesting people in your spare time that contribute to your endless supply of well told humorous stories, not to speak of those at your work, which are more of the nerve wrecking kind.

Maybe you should be more of a glamor girl and go to more cocktail parties as they seem to be a source of great entertainment. Is Colin planning on climbing up the corporate ladder?

Casdok said...

You just crack me up!!
Any other handy tips??!

Mya said...

Can you get me an invite to the next one?
I had to get my nipples realigned when I moved over to France - I was (unknowingly) dazzling everybody and they were thundering into hedges, ditches, what have you.

Mya x

Omega Mum said...

Expatmum: You do begin to feel slightly sheltered,I have to say.

Iota: Ta. V much. Was handicapped by not being able to take notebook (Francis says too obvious) - there was more that can't remember.

Sweet I: Everyone I seem to meet is distinctly eccentric, though I suspect we're drawn to each other...

Casdok: See Mya for useful advice when abroad.

Mya: Well, of course you would. And what happens during those Dairylea moments? I reckon a third with a spotlight might come in handy.

Motheratlarge said...

I am the great-granddaughter of a village bobby. In those days, if you were tall, it was the obvious career move. Better than mines or railways. You think what we civilians see of human life is depressing, you should have heard his stories. It just gets me down, the sheer bl***y awfulness of human behaviour, what people do to each other. Call me Pollyanna-ish, but do people have to be so vile.

Omega Mum said...

M@L: I can't help wondering sometimes whether awfulness is our default state and it's only the social requirement not to descend into anarchy that prevents us from doing so. Not Pollyanna-ish at all...but perhaps I'm wrong. Interesting to hear about your great-grandfather. I wonder how things have changed with the relaxation of the height requirement.

Potty Mummy said...

I am obviously going to the wrong dinner parties.

Omega Mum said...

It's non-stop fun round these parts, depending,obviously, on whose parts you're talking about.

the rotten correspondent said...

I think you nailed it pretty well there. Very, very funny. And not a little gross.

Omega Mum said...

The rotten correspondent: This is far too salubrious an area to be gross. As if. Glad you liked it...

debio said...

Must be the season for overheard conversations - what with you and Dulwich Mum my life is beginning to appear so DULL! Although we've been having some superb 'overheard moments' here of late, which I daren't relate for fear of being censored!

Excellent blog, om. Really excellent.

Milla said...

Bloody hell, I reached you by - how? one of those bizarre clicking episodes when you click on a name on a comment on someone else and are catapulted through cyberspace - and nearly passed out at all your awards. Hope your downstairs loo is plastered, too! great blog.

Omega Mum said...

Debio: Oh, go on, do - you know we all want to read them. (People don't recognise themselves - usually)

Milla: I am so glad that fate (and cyberspace) catapulted you over here. Do come again. Virtual tea and buns every day at 4.00; white wine 4.05; vodka 4.06

Elizabeth Musgrave said...

Magnificent blog. I'm trying not to eat buns so will be with you at 4.05 for the wine and vodka. Or at my place for G&T or champagne around 6.30 for those who can still stand.

Omega Mum said...

elizabethm: I'll be there. I may be crawling in, but I'll be there.

molly gras said...

Ohhh OM, I just love your virtual social options ...

I'll definitely be by at 4:05 (remaining on into 4:06); I'll certainly help you (or more accurately "lean into" you!) so that we can arrive at Elizabethm's by 6:30!

no need to crawl; we'll simply wend our way around town until the next "event" presents itself!

:)

Anonymous said...

I have pink and fluffy. And I love trifle, sherry in particular.

Crystal xx

Irene said...

Hi Omega Mum, you have been tagged by me for an easy meme, come one, you can do it!

Mid-lifer said...

grrrrrrrrr everyone I've nominated for the excellent blogger award already has one!

This is becoming impossible!

DJ Kirkby said...

Man, I lead a sheltered life...

Dumdad said...

I realise I'm missing out on all these witty cocktail conversations as I'm marooned in France.

P.S. You never offered me white wine!

Frog in the Field said...

Ah! Now I've re-read it all I understand, heck I'm thick when I'm ill (ok, just a bit thick).
Sounds awfully marvellous, of course we missed the last drinks parties at an awfully nice house because of ill children (as usual) so it's nice to hear that others do go out and socialise.
Tell me, are prawn cocktails still the in starter these days?

Omega Mum said...

Molly g: How are you feeling today? I think that third bottle was a mistake, but you wouldn't listen. And I had no idea you knew stories like that...Honestly.

Sweet I: Can I, darling? Really? I'm rubbish at memes, though I love reading other people's, but I will try, honest....

CJ: You have to come to the next drinks party. Did you make our blog crawl last night (I passed out before I could check who was there)

Mid-lifer: So sorry. But congrats to you.

DJK: We can't beat your wild hippie lifestyle but we sure know how to raise hell round this neck of the woods.

Dumdad: Only because I'd planned that you'd sample the cocktails, obviously. And the assortment of Beglian beers. But I have kept a particularly cheeky little bottle aside for you.

Frog: Prawn cocktails? Need you ask. Where I live, they're only just coming into fashion for the first time. (Did I tell you I saw that Fanny Craddock the other day?)