Tuesday 19 June 2007

Emergency services

"I was just keeping the kids occupied by teaching them to belch the alphabet," says Bad Lindy. "So what's the problem?"

"The fact that you opened your car door without looking and someone drove straight into it," says Vicky, acidly.

"How was I to know there'd be some stupid car passing just as I opened the door?"

"Being parked on a road outside a school at three pm might have given you a clue," says Vicky. "What were you expecting - a convoy of marshmallows?"

As a result of the crash, Bad Lindy's car is in for extensive repairs and she has appeared on Vicky's doorstep, demanding a lift to the supermarket.

"And those texts have got to stop," says Vicky, as they drive off.

"I just can't see why you've got a problem. He's gorgeous."

"You've obviously seen more of him than I have," says Vicky. She sniffs. "Can you smell burning?" she asks.

"Not unless it's my loins. They're definitely on fire," says Bad Lindy.

They've just finished the shopping when there's an announcement. "Oh God," says Vicky. "I'm sure that's my car registration they've just read out."

She dashes outside, trailing carrier bags, to find smoke pluming from her car engine and a small crowd of sweet little old ladies who are enjoying every moment. "Take your shopping for you, love," says the sweetest and oldest-looking.

Lindy, who has been burping the harder polysyllablic letters - 'W' is always tricky -pauses mid-belch and ambles over. "Shall I call 999?" she asks and dials. There's a pause.

"Which service? Ooh - I'd like some firemen, a couple of policemen and maybe a paramedic or two - but only if they're nice-looking, of course."

"It's the emergency services, not a pizza order," says Vicky, irritably, as she attempts to smother the flames with her top-notch emergency fire-fighting kit which consists of the child's plastic raincoat, half-finished tube of Smarties and empty crisp packet she found under the passenger seat.

Twenty minutes later, everything is under control and the policeman who came to ask Vicky a few questions about her car maintenance policy has been side-tracked by Bad Lindy, who never misses the opportunity to come up against the full might of the law.

"Where's my shopping?" says Vicky, suddenly. In the distance, the kind little old lady who offered to take her bags is tottering up the steps into a bus, still smiling benignly and almost crushed by the weight of a week's worth of Vicky's Chablis.

"Arrest the old bag, officer," says Bad Lindy, pointing. "She's just nicked all the shopping. Then why not come back? I've got some great regulations we could infringe together."

"For God's sake, Lindy," says Vicky. "Haven't you had enough?"

Bad Lindy considers. "Nope," she says. "I'll order a minicab, shall I?"

Vicky gives up. "I'm going to have to wait here for the pick-up truck."

"Oil, grease and overalls," says Bad Lindy, thoughtfully. "D'you know, I think I'll wait here with you. We can pass the time by belching a few phone numbers. Let's start with '999'."

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sounds like Bad Lindy wants to join the " Black Hand Gang ".

Tell her to make sure she's got plenty of Swarfega.

Kev

Anonymous said...

I have this terrible image of Bad Lindy in my head. The belching has just made it even worse!

Omega Mum said...

Kev: I like 'Black hand gang' Think she may have been in it for a while.

CJ: Belching the alphabet requires more skill that you might think. I'm surprised there's no vocational qualification as yet.

lady macleod said...

I actually met Bad Lindy once, I'm sure of it. That dye job is a dead give a way when backlit against any given disaster.

Omega Mum said...

Lady M: The belching is quite a good clue as well.

dulwichmum said...

Bad Lindy is a scream, I can just see her ordering a selection of super hero type ambulance/fire/police men. Ha, ha, ha.

Drunk Mummy said...

Oh my God - poor Vicky, how will she manage without the bolstering effects of a week's worth of Chablis?

Omega Mum said...

While Bad Lindy works her way through an assorted box of super heroes, DM, Vicky will, naturally, turn to Drunk Mummy for alternative quaffing material.

Alda said...

Cor, I wish I could belch the alphabet. That Bad Lindy sure has an assortment of talents.

Omega Mum said...

Alda: You can make your dreams come true - belching the alphabet may just take more work than most

debio said...

A selection of emergency personnel certainly beats the average take-out; might brighten a dull Friday - now where's my phone?

DJ Kirkby said...

I've tagged you in a music challenge, details are on my blog.

Motheratlarge said...

Hilarious, Omega Mum. Alert the emergency services whenever BL hoves into view, I suggest.

Gwen said...

You don't think that Bad Lindy organised the fire herself to catch herself some hunky firemen?

The Good Woman said...

I really need to find a Bad Lindy. Never a dull moment...

Omega Mum said...

M@L@ BL merits her very own emergency service

Gwen: It's a possibility but she'd be worried about getting her own wine home......

Good Woman: I'll have one cloned and sent round soonest

kimber said...

I think I used to work for Bad Lindy..... so familiar....

Omega Mum said...

Debio: Fireman every time for me. Phone after you, please....

DJ: Thanks for tag. Have had a look and have come over all inept, but will mull it all over.

Stay at home dad said...

Did anyone try the belching thing on Britain's Got Talent?

Omega Mum said...

SAHD: What good idea. And talent huting stars for 'Mary Poppins', 'Sound of Music', or 'Grease' with all songs in belch would be the logical next step.