Pig in clover.

Francis may not exactly be in employment, but I can't stand it any longer. I want to spend, spend, spend or, more accurately, borrow, borrow, borrow.

A local shop, part of a chain, has a super duper fitted kitchen sale, offering massive reductions. Like a wasp in jam, a pig in clover or a drunk in charge, I'm there, propping up the counter and desperate to be sold something.

Or, there again, maybe not.

"What size is this cabinet," I ask the assistant, pointing at a brochure.

"120 cm. Wait. They've got it wrong. They've put it as width. Of course, they mean length."

"I'm not sure they do. Width is across. Length would be height. This is the measurement across."

She gives me a look of loathing.

"Let's just write the number down, shall we?" she says. "We can take it from there."

"Shall I write it down on this catalogue?"

"NO," she says, snatching it away."That's our copy. It's our Bible."

"So where can I write it down?"

"On your sheet of paper. We're out of catalogues."

I scribble on an old overdue notice from the library.

"So do you have any of these 120 cm cabinets left?"

She sighs.

"The sale has been going on for a week already. I know we haven't got any with doors. We might have one with baskets."

"Could you check?"

There's a pause, then the tappity tap of a keyboard, following by a well-regualated curse..

"The computer's showing we've got four in Exeter and five in Aberdeen. Only baskets. There's no way that's true, though, because they'd have been inundated with calls. All you can do," she says, lowering her voice as if about to impart a piece of immense wisdom, "is to go round from store to store and see what they have left."

I start to point out the drawbacks of this idea but her eyes are already glazing over.

"So that's the 120 cm unit," she says, with an approximation of brightness in her voice. "Is there anything else?"

"Actually, yes," I say. "I'm talking about a whole kitchen, remember? We won't get far with a single 120 cm cabinet which isn't in stock anyway."

"Actually," she says, in her turn, leaning forward, "You're going to have to decide quickly. We're going to be moving right out of kitchens. It's so difficult to meet consumer demands."

"I think that's a wise corporate decision," I reply."And what having no units in stock to move out of, I'm sure it won't take any time at all."